


the only exception

by azuriteaura



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Background Relationships, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Dedue Molinaro, Minor Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth, Original Character(s), Slow Burn, dorthea/ingrid/petra, no beta we die like Glenn, reader is not byleth, them/them pronouns for byleth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2020-09-23 06:02:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20335279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azuriteaura/pseuds/azuriteaura
Summary: He's wrapped up in his own world and won't let anybody in.She's got a secret that even she doesn't have all the answers to.The one thing they have in common? They're both stubborn idiots.





	1. Chapter 1

It was finally time. Garreg Mach. The monastery you had heard so much about was finally within reach.

Your family had raised you to be a proper noble but it has always been more than that.

They trained you to be a warrior. A diplomat. Someone who would create a legacy they could be proud of.

This was the first time you had ever been able to step outside of the world that was your family upbringing and you had more mixed feelings than you knew what to do with.

You had just finished unpacking what little you had brought with you on the journey when you heard a knock at your door.

"Come in, it's open," you called.

The door opened to reveal a familiar blonde you would recognize anywhere and a tall intimidating figure standing right behind him.

Your eyes widened and you immediately bowed your head, "Your highness."

The crown prince of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, was standing at your doorway.

What the hell.

"Please, there's no need for anything like that. Lift your head. Here, I am just a student as you are."

You hesitated for a moment before standing straight once more and daring to look at the prince with a disbelieving smirk.

"You're joking right?"

Dimitri blinked and your eyes widened as you quickly slapped a hand over your own mouth.

It had only been a short amount of time since you arrived and not already had your tendency to say the first thing to come to mind already screwed you over, but it was directed at the _crown fucking prince_ of all people.

"I am so sorry your highness, I didn't mean to be rude," you quickly apologized.

Dimitri just laughed kindly and waved his hand, "Nonsense. I honestly much prefer to be treated with candid normalcy as opposed to forced formalities. Like I said, we are classmates after all."

Right. Classmates.

You joined the house of the Blue Lions despite having a choice most did not. Your family lived on the border of the holy kingdom and the empire.

While your family was currently aligned with the empire, it was still a choice you were offered to make upon enrollment.

Between the Black Eagles and the Blue Lions you had wanted to stick with what you personally considered to be your homeland. You didn't want to risk the chance that you were the only one who felt that way.

You had a habit of hiding a lot from your family and doing whatever it took to make sure you had as much of a say as possible when it came to your own life.

This was one of the things you didn't want them to take from you and luckily they never had the chance due to you stealing the acceptance letter from your father's desk.

You had no idea you had signed up to be on speaking terms with _royalty_ though.

You weren't the type to get starstruck or anything but you couldn't deny that the idea of being casual with such an important person was disjarring.

"Are you implying what I think you are?" you asked cautiously, eyes flicking between the prince and the still _very_ intimidating large man behind him.

"Yes. I'd prefer it if you just simply addressed me as Dimitri. My royal status aside, I'm the head of the Blue Lions and want all of us to be on equal footing."

Hard to be on equal footing with everyone when you get to school a month later than everyone.

"I suppose that makes sense then…" you admitted slowly.

Dimitri positively beamed and you almost felt the need to shield your eyes from such purity as he perked up.

"It makes me so happy to hear you say that ____. Oh! I forgot to mention that Professor Byleth has already informed the class about you joining us, so for the most part everyone should know your name."

You nodded as you listened.

"Okay then so then I guess I just need to meet everyone else then. I already know your name… Dimitri."

He smiled kindly before you looked at the man who hadn't said a single word yet and asked,

"And your name would be…?"

The man placed a hand on his chest and bowed slightly before speaking.

"My name is Dedue. I work for his highness. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, although I recommend keeping your distance."

You didn't even have time to question what kind of person would name their poor son _Dedue_ before you had some serious whiplash from the rest of what he said.

_Was that a threat???_

The contrast between the two in front of you was baffling.

Dimitri sighed and frowned up at Dedue, "I've told you to stop with such self degrading speech. Please Dedue."

You saw a brief flash of emotion pass across Dedue's face. Was that… guilt?

He bowed again and immediately replied, voice as flat and deep as before.

"Apologies your highness. I did not mean to aggravate you."

"That's not what I-" Dimitri started before he sighed again and shook his head.

"Never mind," he redirected his attention to you and formed a smile on his face once more.

"If you're settled ____ then would you like to accompany us to the classroom? Everyone is rather excited to meet you."

You bit your lip and looked between the two of them, deciding not to comment on the unresolved tension that had come and gone so quickly before nodding, making yourself smile politely as well.

"Sure. That would be great."

"Excellent."

\---

To say everyone was excited to meet you was the understatement of the year.

The moment Dimitri and Dedue guided you into the classroom you found yourself face to face with about eight people, give or take.

By the time everyone had said their piece your face already hurt from grinning.

You had never been around people who felt so warm and full of life. Everyone seemed to be so kind and honestly you couldn't help but already hope to become friends with all of them, even Felix, who tried to act uninterested in the group affairs.

You all chatted for a while and Annette was just in the middle of asking you what your favorite sweets were when a beautiful person with dark teal hair and a blank expression came in dragging a boy in by the collar of his coat.

Said boy protested as they entered, "I said I'm sorry Professor! I swear, I didn't know she was the priest's daughter or else I would never-"

Felix scoffed from where he was sitting on a desk and had been talking with Ingrid and rolled his eyes.

"Don't bother finishing that sentence, we've all heard it a thousand times Sylvain."

Ingrid sighed as she added, "And we all know that you still would have done it even if you knew who she was."

You tilted your head and watched the scene unfold with amusement.

_Wait... Isn't that the guy you saw flirting with some girl by the docks while you were moving in?_

The orange haired boy looked up at the Professor with a pleading gaze which was only met by a blank stare until they simply stated, "It's true."

Sylvain sighed dramatically and slumped as the professor released him and stepped away from him to walk towards you.

For some reason their blank stare didn't unnerve you as they held out their hand.

"I'm Professor Byleth. New here, just like you."

"____ ____," you answered as you took their hand, strangely transfixed on the odd feeling of familiarity looking at the professor gave you.

If Byleth felt the same thing, they didn't show it. Not that it mattered, because it was only seconds until the boy from earlier cut in with renewed vigor.

"____? That's a lovely name. Just as beautiful as the girl who owns it if I do say so myself."

You released the Professor's hand and blinked a few times as you shook your head and turned towards the surprisingly chipper and flirtatious boy.

For someone who just got rejected and dragged away from another girl he sure bounced back fast.

"Uh, thanks…?"

Ingrid came up to the two of you and smacked Sylvain lightly, _or so you hoped_, on the side of the head as she scolded him.

"Oh for the Goddess's sake, she just got here. Knock it off!"

She turned to you as Sylvain rubbed the spot on his head and turned to complain to Felix.

"Just ignore him," she said sweetly as she took your hand and guided you away from the boys.

You blushed slightly as you glanced down at your hands. No one had ever touched you so casually.

Is this what friends do or were you just touch starved enough that anything would have you flustered?

Both. Probably both.

"You can come sit with me and Ashe," she said as she led you to the front.

"If you're okay with being in the front, that is."

You took the empty seat as you let go of her hand and nodded.

"Yeah, no, that's fine with me. Thanks for the offer."

She smiled and the two of you talked for a while until Ashe sat down and joined the conversation.

Even just simple things like the two of them showing you their notes and offering to help you catch up made you happier than you've been in a long time.

You had been so nervous about coming here and figured with your lack of a social life there was no was you would hit it off with well… _anyone_.

Yet somehow here you were.

You made a mental note that maybe you should steal things from your father's desk more often.

Eventually Professor Byleth had everyone settle down and began their lecture on battle tactics and basic healing spells.

You took notes and latched onto every word they said, making sure that you didn't slack off.

You were never much of a model student but you made up for it with stubbornness and a tendency to be way too hard on yourself so in the end you still liked to say you got good results.

Before you knew it the lecture was over.

You had started packing up when you suddenly found Sylvain leaning against the desk where Ingrid had been just moments ago.

Something tells you that you shouldn't be surprised he waited until Ingrid specifically was on the other side of the room before approaching.

"Hey there again beautiful. I couldn't help but notice how radiant you were. From the moment I walked in I just couldn't take my eyes off of you."

He flashed you what had to be a practiced grin, tilting his head just enough that some of his bangs fell perfectly over his face.

You deadpanned at the full force flirtatiously sugar coated words and fake expression.

"You mean when you were dragged in?"

Sylvain chuckled and replied with ease, clearly used to having to think fast when it came to this sort of thing.

Typical.

"I'll admit that wasn't one of my greatest moments. But none of that mattered after I saw you."

You quirked an eyebrow and asked flatly, "Does that actually work on girls? Please tell me it doesn't."

Sylvain leaned towards you a bit and smirked, undeterred.

"How about we go out and have some tea or something sometime and you can find out?"

You had never wanted to punch a man more than this moment.

"Look…."

"Sylvain."

"Sylvain," you repeated before continuing. "While I'm very uh, flattered, I don't do hookups."

"Who said anything about a hookup? I just wanted to talk to a beautiful girl. Maybe learn a thing or two," Sylvain retorted with ease.

You quirked an eyebrow at him and folded your arms.

"Then maybe learn to be a less obvious playboy. I've seen you hit on at least two girls today alone, not to mention the… what was it? Priest's daughter?"

He pretended not to hear that last part as he persisted,

"No no, you're mistaken. Sure, I flirt with girls and talk to them but I swear, when I see someone like you I take it seriously."

Okay this was getting to be a bit much.

"What are you talking about? How can someone consider committing just from a quick first glance?"

"Who said anything about love being binding?" Sylvain challenged.

"Who said anything about love to begin with?" you asked, not backing down.

"Besides, getting with someone you don't even know just for the fuck of it or to gain something? That's not love. That's a waste of time."

What you said must have hit a chord with Sylvain. The playful smirk had been completely wiped from his face and was replaced with an unreadable expression that made you feel somewhat unsettled.

His voice was cold now as he pushed himself off of your desk.

"I'm sorry for wasting your time then."

Despite the fact that you didn't really know him and he was the one who kept persisting, you couldn't help but feel bad as he walked away.

"I don't think I've ever seen him pout like that after a rejection. And he's been rejected a lot."

You jumped at the sudden voice behind you and turned to see Annette who had spoken, Felix, Ashe, and Mercedes all standing nearby enough for you to already know the answer to your question.

"You guys were listening to that?" you asked sheepishly.

Felix shrugged, "Kind of hard not to."

Annette shot him a look and he flipped his hand up as if to say "What? It's true." before sighing and adding,

"Don't think too much about it. He'll be chasing after another girl like it's nothing in no time."

"Good for him?" you said, not entirely sure what to do with that.

If you really were just another skirt for him to chase then you supposed that you didn't need too feel bad.

Despite telling yourself that, you couldn't get the look on his face out of your head or the sinking feeling out of your chest.

Mercedes clapped her hands together and smiled cheerfully, "Well anyways, perhaps we should go to the dining hall and get something to eat?"

Annette perked up immediately, "Oh oh oh yes! I'm staaarving."

Ashe chuckled at Annette's excitement before looking your way and asking,

"____, would you like to join us?"

You felt a rush of happiness again as you grabbed your stuff and nodded.

"Yeah, that'd be great."

The small group of yours headed over to the dining hall. Between all the talking and stories told, you were able to brush away most of the bad feelings from talking with Sylvain.

But a small part of you couldn't quite push him out of your mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGH SORRY THE UPDATE TOOK SO LONG. NGL WRITING THIS CHAPTER WAS A STRUGGLE!! the more i got to know sylvain and his character the more i was like "oh shit this is so ooc can i save this" but fingers crossed i can slowly but surely get into the flow of things. i also learned a lot more about the world and crests and stuff so im more confident going into this story than before

"Okay, that’s it. Both of you are taking over kitchen duty tonight. Together."

"But professor-!"

Byleth wordlessly shot a cold glare at the two of you that shut up any protests on the spot. The professor may be one of few words and even fewer visible emotions, but it was precisely that lack of expression that made the rare moments when they_ did_ show expression enough to stop anyone in their tracks.

It had been a few weeks since you had become a student at Garreg Mach and found yourself amongst the Blue Lions and in those few weeks you and Sylvain had been at each other’s throats. Constantly.

It had just started as subtle things that others could easily ignore, but as time wore on the pettiness in the actions between the two of you grew until it was extremely out of hand.

It didn’t help that whatever bitter resentment was passed between the two of you usually happened during class. This time it had been the two of you kicking each other under the table, both kicking harder each time until you finally stomped on his foot hard enough to make him yelp and draw everyone’s attention to the back of the room where you tried (and failed) to act like you weren’t the reason he was cradling his foot under the desk with a sour look on his face.

Which was how you found yourself stuck with Sylvain on kitchen duty. Because apparently forcing the two of you to work together _alone _was going to either fix things or serve as enough punishment to make you two at least keep from becoming disruptive in class again.

You drummed your fingers on the counter as you looked over the book of recipes for students to work from, a scowl permanently fixed on your face as your eyes skimmed over the pages.

Sylvain hadn’t said a word since he came in. Instead he opted to just do his own thing, leaving you to figure out the rest on your own.

_Such a gentleman_.

Unfortunately you had little to no experience in the kitchen so being left to your own devices… was not ideal. Growing up there had never been a chance to learn such a domestic, yet necessary skill. Lucky for you though, Ashe had been more than willing to give you some tips and advice to make it through the evening in one piece.

You started to look around the kitchen for the things you needed, biting your lip as you struggled to find where certain things were kept.

It wasn’t until you were standing in front of a shelf, trying to figure out how the hell you were going to reach the pots on the very top without a stepstool that Sylvain finally seemed to acknowledge your presence as he sighed and dried off his hands with a cloth before coming up behind you.

“Which one?” he asked flatly, causing you to jump in place. 

You had been so focused on figuring out if you could climb up on the counter to get the pot you needed without falling that you hadn’t even noticed him standing right behind you.

Your cheeks flushed a bit as you bit out embarrassedly, “I can do it myself…”

Sylvain rolled his eyes and shook his head as he stepped forward, trapping you between him and the counter as he reached up. “Sure you can. Is the one in the middle fine?”

“Y-Yeah… Thanks,” you muttered as he pulled the pot down and stepped back to give you enough space to turn around and face him.

He shrugged and handed you the pot before turning to get back to what he was doing. As you walked back to where you had set up earlier, the question that had been gnawing at you for days finally slipped out of your mouth before you could help it.

“Why did you get so upset like that?”

There was a tense moment of silence before Sylvain asked back without turning to look your way. “Like what?”

You huffed as you started working. Was he seriously going to play dumb this far into things?

“You got all weird and offended. Everyone said you don’t do that. That you get rejected all the time and you just let it roll off of you then move on to the next girl who will give you the time of day. What did I do that made it so different?”

Sylvain began chopping vegetables, letting a tense silence fall between the two of you long enough that you almost thought he decided to ignore you before he finally said slowly,

“You just… said some stuff that hit a bad chord.”

A part of you did actually feel bad for a moment. The exhaustion that suddenly seeped into his voice made you feel like whatever you said back then did a lot more than just that.

You bit your lip as you checked the recipe book again to make sure you were using the right spices as you said softly, “Well… then I’m sorry for that.”

Sylvain shrugged, his voice still flat. “You don’t even know what it was you said. I mean it wasn’t wrong, but still.”

That was… true. 

“Then tell me.” you said, turning to look at him.

His hands stopped moving and it felt like an eternity before he finally looked over his shoulder to meet your gaze before he sighed and shook his head as he turned back to the food in front of him.

“It’s none of your concern ____.”

Somehow that upset you more than any of the petty fighting the two of you had been doing since the rejection.

“Like hell it’s none of my concern?!” you exclaimed as you threw your hands up. 

“You can’t just throw a fucking fit over something I said and then just tell me to fuck off when I try to _understand_.”

Sylvain flinched at your agitated voice but then turned completely to face you, looking just as irritated as you felt as he shot back,

“Don’t make light of something you know nothing about.”

You closed the distance between the two of you as you jabbed a finger at his chest, “And who’s fault is it that I don’t?!”

Sylvain opened his mouth to argue back, but after a moment of standing there struggling to find something that he could throw back at you he just huffed and moved to go back to work. 

“Whatever. Just forget about it.”

You scoffed as you decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. “Fine.”

If he was just going to pout like a child even though you tried to bridge the gap that had the both of you acting… admittedly immature then fine. That was his choice. But you weren’t going to bother giving him the time of day anymore.

You frowned as you started to wash and cut the vegetables, trying to get Sylvain out of your mind as you followed Ashe’s instructions from earlier.

Just focus. Get this done. Retreat to your room and a book and get all of this bullshit out of your head. Simple enough.

That was the plan anyways until you heard Sylvain flipping through the pages of a book he had near him agitatedly enough you thought for a second the pages might get ripped.

“Fuck…” he cursed quietly under his breath.

You looked over your shoulder curiously to see him standing over the counter, checking over the recipe page and looking back at the food in front of him slightly freaking out.

“What?” you asked.

He seemed to have forgotten you were there because he quickly straightened up and shook his head.

“No, it’s nothing.”

Fine then. If he was still going to insist on hanging on to his pride then you would stand by your resolve to stay in your own lane. 

You rolled your eyes as you went back to your own work, “If you say so...”

Only a few minutes passed before he sighed loudly, “Alright, I… might have made a _slight_ miscalculation.”

Your hands stilled as you looked up at him and quirked an eyebrow at Sylvain, who was looking surprisingly sheepish. That was different.

“Slight as in…?"

"Weeeell…. I may or may not have put three cups of sugar in the soup instead of three tablespoons of salt. Considerably up for debate if you ask me."

Your jaw dropped. "How do you fuck up that badly?!"

"I was distracted okay!"

You burst out laughing and had to clutch at your sides as they started to burn from laughing too hard.

Sylvain crossed his arms and frowned.

"It's not funny."

"Oh but it _so_ is." you breathed as you regained your composure and wiped a tear from your eye.

The way Sylvain was torn between frustration and embarrassment only fueled your laughter as he frowned, “Look just! Help me figure this out okay? _Please._ The dining hall is going to open and we’re going to get in more trouble if we didn’t get this done in time.”

While he did have a point, you weren't above using this to your advantage.

“Apologize for being an ass and I might help.” you said as you crossed your arms, a smirk on your lips.

Sylvain pinched the bridge of his nose and had to take a moment to collect himself before he sighed and admitted, “That’s… Okay. I’m sorry. I was wrong and I was an ass. Now can you _please_ do something? I can’t handle another lecture from the professor. It’d be the fourth one this week.”

Another snort of amusement slipped past your lips, “Sylvain, it’s only _Wednesday._”

Sylvain let out a strained sound of exasperation as he shot pleading eyes at you, “My point exactly!”

You took your victory and grinned as you rolled up your sleeves, ready to make good on your word.

"Alright, alright. No promises, but we might be able to fix this." 

“You’re the best,” Sylvain grinned earnestly as you approached the hopefully salvageable food at his spot, the sight something you hadn’t had the chance to see from him since the day you met.

You chuckled and shook your head as you looked down at the recipe, “I know.”

Time to get to work.

... 

It was way too close of a call than either of you felt comfortable with, but by the goddess you managed to pull something off just in time for the head chef of the monastery not to scold the two of you for not finishing in time.

The kitchen was a mess and so were the two of you, but somehow along the way things between the two of you had gotten much lighter than before. If anyone asked you, you’d deny it vehemently but you weren’t stubborn enough not to admit to _yourself_ that you actually kind of had fun.

As you found a place for yourself amongst your fellow Blue Lions students at the table Felix gave you a once over and rolled his eyes as he tossed a cloth your way.

“You still have flour in your hair and.. _something_ on your uniform. Not gonna ask.”

Your face flushed as you sat between a giggling Mercedes and a sympathetic Ashe, quickly taking the rag and wiping at the spot. “Thanks..”

Felix shrugged and went back to eating, probably just wanting to get in and out as quickly as possible so he could get to the training grounds as usual. 

The usual chatter passed between you and your classmates, minus the glares that would be passed between you and Sylvain on occasion. This time you had caught his eye accidentally while you were in the middle of listening to Ingrid and Ashe gush about the latest book they had been reading that they insisted you read, despite the fact they’d already spoiled ten major plot points.

He had been in the middle of teasing Felix when your eyes met. For a moment you just stared blankly at each other before he huffed and shot a warm smile at you which you returned naturally. It was.. nice.

You figured that was the end of that until everyone started to clear out. You had just finished adding your plate to the dishes when Sylvain caught you on your way out of the dining hall.

“Hey, ___?”

Stepping outside so the two of you weren’t blocking the exit, you tilted your head, surprised he had approached you. “Yeah, what’s up?”

Sylvain rubbed at the back of his neck, struggling for a moment before he finally said earnestly. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything.”

Your eyes widened as he kept his eyes on yours, waiting for a response. In all honesty you didn’t know what you were expecting but it wasn’t this.

“No, I’m sorry. I said some insensitive things. Like you said, I just let myself go off without knowing anything.”

Sylvain shook his head, "There’s no way you could have. You were right. I was taking my own shit out on you and that wasn’t fair.”

He paused as he frowned in thought before he quirked an eyebrow at you, “Wait, you said _things_ but you only said one thing that was bad.”

You chuckled nervously as you looked away from him and mumbled, “Uhhh, to your face yeah.”

Sylvain gaped at you before he snorted and broke out into laughter, “Alright, fair. I deserved that.”

A sigh of relief left you as he let your past actions slide, a small smile forming on your lips as he chuckled and shook his head before holding out his hand.

“What do you say? Fresh start? I’d rather not be in a bad place with one of my classmates for an entire year.”

You smirked as you took his hand and shook it, “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be in my bad grace’s either.”

“Right, right.” Sylvain said as he rolled his eyes playfully. “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

He shook his head and smiled fondly as you giggled at the banter. You’re not entirely sure how it happened but you were grateful for the bad blood to end and to have a new friend.

“By the way, did you remember to tell the professor we finished the job?”

  
“_Shit_.”


	3. Chapter 3

_"You're the worst!"_

A loud crash followed by the shouted insult from nearby startled you and several others as a girl stomped past the entrance of the Blue Lions classroom and off towards the dining hall. 

With all the wide eyes and murmuring, you didn't need much self-convincing before you made the decision to see what was going on. You weren't all that focused on studying to begin with anyways so might as well, right?

Your eyes widened as you stepped past the large entryway to the classroom, only to be met face to face with an absolutely _soaked_ Sylvain standing among the jagged shards of a broken flower pot that had been briefly promoted to weapon of lethal intent before its unfortunate demise.

Clearly not having been expecting to get caught redhanded in the middle of another scandal by one of his classmates, his jaw dropped slightly at the sight of you before he chuckled nervously and rubbed at the back of his neck.

"I can explain?"

"I'm not sure I want to hear it." You said with a slightly amused grin.

The expression only lasted for a moment though, before it quickly morphed into a frown as you noticed two not so great things. 

The first being that people were still staring and gossiping shamelessly, clearly unbothered by the fact there was no way the two of you didn't notice. The second being that Sylvain was trying (and failing) to hide a cut just below his hairline that was bleeding from what you assumed was the deceased flowerpot the two of you were now standing in.

"Ugh, come on." You sighed as you tugged on his sleeve and pulled him away from the scene, ignoring his quiet yelp of surprise.

By the time you turned the corner and were passing the training grounds you didn't need to pull him along anymore as he walked beside you with his usual air of cheeky disposition.

"You don't have to look so upset ____. People always say I'm dripping with good looks, it's just a bit more literal now."

A roll of the eyes. "You're such a dork." A playful nudge to the side. "Who the hell is saying that, huh?"

Little things like that had become strangely normal over the past week or so. Ever since the whole cooking incident the two of you had been getting along so much better, to the relief of the both of you and the entirety of the Blue Lions who had to put up with the results of you and the renowned playboy butting heads.

"_Pssh_, y'know. People. Girls, mainly."

You quirked an eyebrow as the two of you reached your bedroom door, nowhere near convinced. Although to be fair, it wasn't like Sylvain tried too hard to begin with.

"Girls like the one who just tried to kill you with a flower pot and just so happened to have horrible aim? I'm pretty sure she chipped the wall. Shoes off." You instructed absentmindedly before going to grab a towel from your closet.

Sylvain winced as he did as asked, "Yeeaah I saw that. Better the wall and a doubled up lecture from Dimitri and Ingrid than having my skull bashed in."

He followed you in once his wet boots and socks were deposited outside the door, briefly pausing to glare theatrically at the small flower pot sitting on your windowsill, pointing from his eyes to the point and back before he sat on the edge of your bed, placing the towel you tossed his way down first.

"Don't think I don't see you and your deadly weapon. I know better now."

You snorted and shook your head as you pulled out a small jar with a healing salve you'd made in herbology class, cotton, a small bottle of alcohol and some sterilized scrap cloth that you'd turned into small bandages with the help of skin friendly adhesive and scissors.

"Damn, you caught me. I was planning on hitting you over the head with a small pot of nordsalat and angelica after luring you into a false sense of security. No one would ever suspect, let alone trace it back to me. The perfect scheme, gone to waste. Such a shame."

Sylvain laughed as he scooted over so you could sit beside him, "Careful ____. Keep talking like that and people will start to say you're spending too much time with Claude."

You ignored the hiss of pain from the idiotic playboy as you dabbed at his cut with the alcohol soaked cotton with a roll of your eyes. 

"For someone who claims to not care what people say you sure do mention the concept of gossiping a lot."

After he got over the initial sting Sylvain shrugged, letting himself relax a bit as you twisted the cap off of the salve and applied it to the bandage resting on your lap.

"What can I say? My mind wanders."

"Is that what caused scandal number three of the week?" You asked as you motioned for him to look your way before lifting up the prepped bandage to set it in place.

"Nah, this one was just more of the usual. Two lonely souls attracted to each other, only to want completely different things."

Sylvain turned to face you and felt his breath hitch as you leaned in, his eyes widening at the sudden proximity.

You were so focused on not letting his bangs touch the gelled up side of the bandage and your fingers not grazing the open cut as you pushed his hair out of the way that you didn't notice at all. 

"And what is it that you want?"

A shudder ran through Sylvain as your breath brushed past his ear, but he blamed it on the sudden cool feeling of the salve against his skin as you smoothed the bandage over the wound carefully, your fingers lingering for a moment before you pulled back and inspected your work.

Your face scrunched up a bit as you tilted your head. "What?"

Sylvain took a moment to snap out of it before he blinked and echoed back, "Sorry, what?"

"You were staring." You stated, crossing your arms as you looked at him just as oddly as he had been looking at you.

"Sorry." He said as he ran a hand through his hair, careful not to touch the covered spot on his forehead. "Just got a little dazed, nothing to be worried about."

Your frown only deepened as he spoke, "Dazed? How hard did the pot hit you? You don't have a concussion or anything, right?"

Sylvain chuckled and shook his head as he lifted a hand to ruffle your hair, ignoring your small shout of indignation.

"Nah, the thing barely grazed me. You're overthinking, I swear I'm fine."

"Right…" You responded slowly, eyeing him cautiously as you searched for any signs of him possibly keeling over at any second.

Knowing the way you got when you weren't completely convinced of something, Sylvain leaned in a bit and waggled his eyebrows playfully as he smirked. "Could always test out my reflexes while I'm here if you don't believe me."

Wait... Did he just.

Time seemed to freeze for you both as you blinked up at him with wide eyes, mouth slightly parted from shock. Sylvain's brain creaked to a stop as he processed that, yup. He just said that. In your room. Sitting on your bed. Out loud. To_ you._

The silence was almost suffocating as neither of you dared to so much as breathe. You finally broke the moment as you flicked his forehead on the uninjured side with a slight frown.

"Alright, you're clearly fine albeit a bit brain damaged. I could always send you Felix's way. He'd really test your reflexes."

Sylvain winced, "Please no. I'm still sore from the last time. I still have bruises and everything."

You quirked an eyebrow as you stood up to put your supplies away. "You know how that sounds, right?"

"_Everything_ sounds that way with me." Sylvain pointed out with a grin.

Your movements stilled for a moment that Sylvain would have missed if he hadn't been hyper aware of every detail since he dropped the flirty line with you. 

He hadn't flirted with a close classmate since the time he tried to with Mercedes, only to realize it felt really fucking weird. Sure, he hit on you when you first joined the Blue Lions, but in his defense he didn't realize you were a new part of the class. Even if Felix and Ingrid had pointedly told him later on that he _had_ in fact been there when it was announced you would be joining the class, he just hadn't been paying attention.

The slightly off sound of your laugh didn't go unnoticed either as you put away your things. 

"That's true…"

When you turned around there was something in your eyes that made him want to run and stay at the same time. An unreadable emotion tugged at the corner of your lips as you leaned against your desk.

"You never did answer my question by the way."

Sylvain swallowed dryly, feeling a dull sense of… Fear? Panic? _Something_, tugging at his chest mixed with the all too familiar feelings of interest, which in this case was a huge big fat _no_.

"Isn't it obvious?" He asked with a coy grin as he placed his chin onto the palm of his hand with practiced ease despite the conflicting feelings that had come out of fucking nowhere.

"I want what anyone wants. Love. Simple as that."

A small and breathy laugh escaped you as you sighed and shook your head, breaking eye contact as you looked down. "You are a lot of things Sylvain. But simple is not one of them."

You had questions. You had questions since the moment you rejected his flirtations and he reacted the way he did. Then you had even _more_ after the night in the kitchen and they'd only multiplied since.

The man before you was an enigma. It didn't take a genius to see that, it just seemed a lot of people just.. chose not to. 

Growing up, you were always alone despite being surrounded by people. Maybe it wasn't so much that you had originally enjoyed people watching but it was more of something you had grown fond of over the years. Whether it was idly wondering what the life of a passing stranger was like or noticing the patterns in people's behaviors, it was just something you drifted into doing when your mind wandered.

And it wasn't intentionally, but you noticed things about Sylvain.

It was just little things at first. Like how when he was really happy to see someone like Felix or the professor or just.. anyone from their class at this point really, his smile would be just a bit crooked to the left. The smile he gave when he was being polite or flirting with another soon to be nameless girl was even. Practiced and perfected.

Sylvain was a liar and a pretty damn good one at that. He pretended he didn't care about anything but empty flirting, but it wasn't true. He convinced himself that he really did love the girls he dated and at first it didn't bother you. It was kind of sad to watch, but it wasn't really your business. However the more you watched him fall into the same self destructive patterns, the more you found yourself understanding why Felix was irritated with his best friend so often.

He was also smart. Really fucking smart. You and Annette had talked about it over tea and studying together. You both had been stumped horribly by a tactics assignment the day before, but she had shown up understanding it perfectly after apparently getting help from Sylvain. The guy pretended to be an airhead but he was anything but. 

All of this had caught you in a trap that he probably didn't even know he had laid out. You found yourself wanting to know more. You considered Sylvain to be a good friend and yet this was.. different somehow. It felt like you knew him and yet not at all.

Maybe it was because you were hiding a secret of your own so you knew what the signs of someone with things kept under lock and key looked like. Maybe not.

Sylvain just stared at you with an unreadable expression as he processed the comment you made. He opened his mouth to respond when a sudden knock at your door made you both jump.

You placed a hand on your now rapidly beating heart before you pushed yourself off of the desk and went to open the door.

A short girl with snow white hair and familiar piercing pink eyes looked up to you with a frustrated look.

"Oh, hey Lysithea." You said, surprised by the visit. "What's up?"

Lysithea's foot tapped against the marble beneath her as she tried to let out some of her growing annoyance, "Is Sylvain with you? I heard he left the classrooms with you after the… _incident_."

Hooo boy. You weren't getting in the middle of this one.

Much to Sylvain's dismay, you stepped aside to reveal the man who was now caught in the middle of trying to see if he could escape out of your window.

"H-Heeey Lysithea. Long time no see, how are- _things?!"_

Sylvain had to leap back as a spike of dark magic shot out from the floor where he had just been standing. A second slower and he would have been Sylvain on a stick. Guess that put an end to his reflexes being in question.

You gulped as you looked between the seething girl beside you with dark magic swirling around her fingertips and the very unarmed idiot who was too close to a majority of your belongings for your liking in a situation like this.

"Please don't commit a homicide in my room." You pleaded under your breath as you created a bit more space between between you and Lysithea, who shot you an apologetic look before glaring at Sylvain again.

Sylvain held up his hands placatingly as he stepped back a bit. "Is this about Jenny? I tried to let her down easy, I swear."

Lysithea's eyes flashed with murderous intent, causing goosebumps to spread across your skin and Sylvain to flinch.

"You tried to let her down easy? How is telling her that she'd have a better chance with some guy with coin and an eye for hot girls _letting her down easy?!"_

You groaned and ran a hand down your face as Sylvain tried to stand his ground despite knowing there was no way out of this one. 

"Hey! I said she'd have better chances finding what she wanted with a different son of a nobleman. Not the same thing!"

Magical energy crackled in the air, causing you to glance at the space between you and the door, wondering if you should make a run for it and request a room change so you didn't have to come back to Sylvain's roasted corpse. You could always ask Dedue to help you get your things later, he was surprisingly immune to hard to stomach things despite how much of a softy you discovered he is.

"That is the _last _time I let you trick me into letting you hit on one of my friends. No amount of cake is going to get you another shot."

Sylvain gawked before sighing and admitting defeat. "Alright, alright. That's fair… You sure I can't convince you to let me ask Alica out for tea though?"

"Oh you fucking idiot." You said under your breath as you looked up and started to pray to Sothis that he'd at least get a quick death.

Lysithea almost looked like a ruffled up angry small dog as she marched across your room and put all her weight into stomping on Sylvain's foot.

Sylvain hissed as he held onto his foot in pain, grumbling under his breath as Lysithea stomped away. “How can someone so small be so full of unadulterated rage?”

“Years of dealing with self-centered assholes will do that to a girl.” You chuckled as you shook your head and moved over to guide him out of your room before someone else came along to chew him out, giving a semi-sympathetic pat on the back.

He shook his head and sighed, a sheepish smile on his face as he reached down to get his boots. 

"Fair enough."


	4. Chapter 4

“Why do you date around so much?”

Sylvain blinked at the sudden question as he set down a random trinket he had picked up mindlessly while they waited for Ashe and Annette to finish their shopping.

Instead of spending the free day off at the monastery, the Blue Lions decided to head to the town down the path and spend some time as a group outside of the familiar walls. Throughout the day, Sylvain had purposely had to dodge all sorts of nooks and crannies of the town, much to the chagrin of his peers. _“I dated a girl from this bakery and it didn’t end well.” “Trust me. You don’t want to know.” “I may or may not be banned from this shop after I went out with both of the sisters that work here.”_

The reasons were more or less always the same and by the fifth time, Felix had finally kicked Sylvain out of their smaller group and sent him off to join the three of you instead before he killed the redhead himself.

Never one to drop the mask, Sylvain laughed under his breath as he shrugged nonchalantly.

“Because it’s fun. Pretty girls, _fooling around_, love. It’s all fun, plus who doesn’t want to find love? It’s practically a universal desire.”

You frowned, unconvinced. “Sylvain, you’ve never stuck with a girl for longer than a month. Not to mention, how did you put it. _Fooling around_, isn't exactly something someone looking for someone serious would do.”

“Who said anything about serious?” Sylvain countered as he picked up another strange object, a small clear orb on top of some sort of pedestal. He almost thought it was a crystal ball but it was no bigger than a ball the kids at the monastery would use to play with the stray dogs.

He chuckled as he glanced down at you, only to see the way you frowned as you glared unseeingly at the shelves. It was actually kind of cute the way you got when you were trying to piece something together, even if it was something he would prefer remained unsolved.

Sylvain nudged you playfully, pulling you out of your thoughts as he chuckled. “You’re going to get permanent frown lines if you stay like that all the time.”

You stuck your tongue out at him, only causing him to laugh more. He missed the way that his laugh made you smile while he set back down yet another odd object on the shelf. It was only a moment before you shook your head and sighed.

“I just don’t get you sometimes.”

“That’s a good thing.” Sylvain responded immediately, causing you to look up at him with surprise.

He seemed pretty serious, now guilty of being the one to be wrapped up in his own thoughts instead.

You frowned and had to stand on the balls of your feet to reach him before you flicked his forehead, causing him to yelp.

“What was that for, ____?” He complained as he rubbed at the spot.

“It’s not healthy to keep things bottled up y’know.” You said as you placed your hands on your hips and scolded him. Your expression grew softer as you continued though,

“It doesn’t have to be me, but you _should_ talk to someone. Believe it or not, some people see past those playboy lies you tell everyone and care about what’s past that.”

Sylvain’s eyes widened at your words, his jaw dropping slightly as your face heated up under the pressure of being stared at after saying something like that.

Thank the goddess for your friends and their divine timing to save you though as Annette and Ashe finally made their way towards you with a handful of small bags.

“Hey guys! Sorry that took so long, we’re ready to go.” Annette said cheerfully as she waved, bags in hand.

You laughed and moved to take a few of the bags from them. Poor Ashe looked like he was struggling quite a bit. “Oh goddess, you two really went all out, didn’t you?”

Ashe chuckled and shook his head as you took some of the bags, “Actually most of these are Annette’s. I just have the one.” 

Annette’s face burned scarlet red as she let out an embarrassed squeak. “Ashe!! You weren’t supposed to tell anyone!”

“O-Oh I’m sorry Annette! I didn’t know.”

You burst out laughing, only causing Annette to bury her face in her hands and groan. 

“Goddess, kill me.”

Sylvain watched the entire thing and smiled fondly at the carefree interaction between his friends. His eyes were mainly focused on you though as you clutched at your sides with tears in your eyes.

_“It doesn’t have to be me, but you should talk to someone. Believe it or not, some people see past those playboy lies you tell everyone and care about what’s past that.”_

For all he knew, you were just showing him a kindness that you would’ve given anyone. You always had been a bit of a mother hen like Mercedes, yet you also had the bluntness of Ingrid so it wouldn’t surprise him if that was the case. But what you said to him meant more than you probably knew.

Maybe he would talk about it… The idea made his insides twist unpleasantly, which was only a sign that he avoided it way more than was considered healthy. He may be in denial, but he _was_ self aware. The idea of letting someone past the walls he’d put up behind a wink and a smile was terrifying. But if it was you? Well…

He smiled back at you as you looked up and met his gaze with a grin.

Maybe one day… One day he’d let you in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short update! i promise the next one is going to be big. this is just the set up before we hit some real boi angsty hours >:3c


	5. Chapter 5

Needless to say, the mission to reclaim the lance of ruin was… horrible.

Horrible, quite frankly, was putting it lightly. Cruel, sickening, unfair, no words could describe the absolute bullshit it was that things went the way they did.

Sylvain shouldn’t have been there and yet you knew he had to be. You _knew_ that. But he shouldn’t have been there. He shouldn't have had to march into that damned tower, knowing that it would probably end in the death of his own brother.

He shouldn’t have had to see the way the lance of ruin completely consumed his brother, shouldn’t have had to hear _the screams_. And by the goddess, he shouldn’t have been the one to deal the final blow.

He shouldn’t have had to kill his own brother.

It had been three days since your class returned to the monastery. The trip back had been solemn and the rain never let up. Sylvain was emotionless and wouldn’t speak to anyone. It was almost as if the skies were crying for him in his place. 

If you had thought he was distant before the mission, then that was nothing compared to now. He wouldn’t leave his room. Wouldn’t open up for anyone.

There wasn’t a single member of the Blue Lions that hadn’t stopped by and tried to coax him out of his room each day since their return. Mercedes and Annette would stop by and bring him sweets, trying to convince him to at least come out and eat something. Ashe and Dedue brought him flowers and offered their condolences and shoulders to cry on, should he need it. They both knew what he was going through all too well and understood that this was a necessary thing. To grieve.

Ingrid and Felix meant well, they truly did. But neither of them were very good with healthily handling mourning. Ingrid had been soft and understanding for the first two days. She told him to take the time he needed and while she did still understand that only time could heal, she also knew it couldn’t heal anything if he died in there from neglect.

Felix had visited every day, but never said anything. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to, he just got too choked up to every time he stood outside Sylvain’s door. Words were hard enough for him as is and it sickened him that he was so powerless here. Especially after the way that Sylvain was there for him after Glenn died.

It was the second night that he came to Sylvain’s room that he was able to say something. It wasn’t much, but he placed his hand on the door and spoke quietly. “It wasn’t your fault.”

There was no response, but he knew Sylvain heard him all the same.

By the third day though, the two of them somehow got it into their heads that dragging him out was the best thing to do. Luckily the professor and Dimitri had been stopping by for their daily visit just in time to keep Ingrid from yanking the door off of its hinges or Felix from cutting it down with his already drawn blade.

You had visited too of course. Every night.

Unlike the others you didn’t have much to offer. Like Ashe and Dedue, you understood to a degree that this wasn’t the sort of thing others could change or make better. Sure, it helped not to be alone and it kept everything grounded. But it didn’t make the pain go away. Didn’t change what had been done.

So every night you would come to Sylvain’s door and settle yourself on the ground with your back against the door and you would just talk. 

You would tell him about what was covered in class and update him on anything eventful that had occured around the monastery. You told him about how the one gatekeeper that had won a soft spot in practically every single person’s heart had been asked out on a date by one of the town girls.

The two of you had always mused over how such a sweet guy was single so you figured he’d like that little update.

It wasn’t until the fourth night that there was finally a breakthrough.

You had come to his door an hour after curfew just as you had every night before.

“Hey Sylvain, it’s me.” You moved to sit down and start as usual when you jumped in surprise instead as the door opened.

“Oh, _Sylvain_.”

He looked… awful was putting it lightly. There were dark circles under his eyes that immediately told you that he hadn’t slept a single second this entire time. His hair was tangled and quite frankly it was a miracle he had even found the motivation to change out of his armor.

“Hey.” He said, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his lips that pretty much fell the instant he tried. It didn’t meet his dead eyes anyways.

“You look terrible.” You admitted with a ghost of a smile. It was clear that neither of you had the heart to put anything into your usual charade.

“Yeah.” Sylvain snorted as he let his head drop. “I feel terrible.”

His head snapped up as your smaller hand wrapped around his. You smiled understandingly at him and asked softly. “Let me help?”

Sylvain almost looked like he wanted to run away but something in him shifted as he slumped and let some of the tension leave his exhausted body as he relented. “Okay.”

He didn’t really move from the door as you squeezed his hand and nodded back. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

You didn’t want to leave him after he had finally opened the door, but you trusted him to let you back in. It took a bit of effort getting what you needed and for one frightful moment you had almost gotten sent back to your room when you got caught out and about by Seteth.

Thank the goddess that he was understanding once you explained why you were still out so late. He warned you not to be seen out so late again after tonight but let you continue as you were.

It took two trips but you finally returned to Sylvain’s room with a few wrapped bundles and a wash bin you’d snatched from the sauna. Sylvain watched you flit about silently as you slipped off your shoes and padded back and forth from his room and the nearby water source to fill the bin before you finally settled in his room on the floor.

You opened one of the bundles and motioned for him to come over as you raised your hands above the water and began to carefully heat it with a minor fire spell.

“Can you take your shirt off?” You asked quietly, not wanting to wake anyone despite the stone walls being rather thick.

Sylvain shrugged it off and tossed it to the side. Not even making some sort of snippy comeback about how many times he’d been asked that under different circumstances.

It was worrying, but understandable. You would take the little victories where you could. You took a cloth and some soap and began to wipe him down, filling the silence by humming quietly under your breath subconsciously.

Sylvain just watched you and let you lift his arms or do whatever it was you needed to do as you worked. He finally sighed and closed his eyes when you made him turn his back to you so you could work at his hair.

It was a bit tricky to do without making a mess but you managed. He leaned back a bit against you as you ran your fingers through his hair.

“Why are you doing this?” 

You continued to work and didn’t answer for a while as you considered your words. 

“I’m doing this because I care about you.” You started slowly. “We didn’t get along at first and there’s a lot about you that drives me up a wall. I don’t like the way you treat girls. Yeah it’s unfair to them and I feel bad for them but it’s not the main reason I don’t like it.”

You sighed as you kept working, “I don’t like it because I’ve been one of those girls. When we first met you treated me like them and I thought there was nothing much to you. But since we’ve become actual friends I’ve seen that you’re nothing like what you want others to see you as.

We all know it. Maybe we don’t see you as clearly as Ingrid, Felix, and Dimitri but.. I don’t know, it’s silly but I see the Blue Lions a bit as family. And family looks out for each other and sees past those sort of things.”

It surprised you when Sylvain responded quietly, “I do too.”

“Hm?”

“I… see you guys as family too.” He admitted before he laughed harshly under his breath. “More than my actual blood relatives.”

You nodded quietly as you began to towel off his cleaned hair, letting him continue.

“I don’t think I loved him. I wanted to. I never stopped wanting to love him. I never stopped wishing he’d see me for me and not this _stupid_ _crest_.”

Sylvain felt a lump form in his throat as it tightened. It was the first time he’d let himself feel anything since it happened. He’d felt numb since the second he pulled his spear out of the flesh of his brother’s beast-like form.

“Did you know he threw me down a well?” Sylvain laughed. “He threw me down a _fucking well _____. Who does that?”

You moved the cleaning supplies off to the side, grateful you had the foresight to keep the food you’d snuck out of the kitchen separate so you could move to sit on the floor beside him and rub at his back soothingly.

His breath hitched as he ran his fingers through his hair and curled in on himself. “Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to be this way? I wish I didn’t have this fucking crest. I wish crests just didn’t fucking exist. My whole life I’ve wondered if he’d love me if I didn’t have this power. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to be _special._” 

The way he spat out that last word was filled with so much hate that it almost made you flinch.

“You wanted to know why I act the way I do. It’s because none of what I do actually fucking matters ____. It doesn’t. Don’t try to tell me different because you don’t fucking get it.”

Your hand stilled and the words hurt, but this wasn’t about you. Instead of rubbing his back fully, your thumb still swiped back and forth as you said softly, “Then tell me.”

Sylvain sucked in a shaky breath as he let out a tearless sob. “It didn’t matter what I did. Miklan still hated me until _I killed him_. Nothing I do changes the fact that I’m a noble with a crest. That’s all anyone ever sees me as. It doesn’t matter who I am because of _what_ I am. No matter what I’ll just be married off to some rich girl and make lots of stupid crest babies just like everyone wants. Everyone but..”

“Everyone but you…” You finished for him understandingly when his voice trailed off as he tried to fight back the mental breakdown he’d kept himself from having for so long.

“Do you remember what he said to me? When we were in the tower? He said _if it hadn’t been for you_. I blew him off because yeah, I was pretty damn sick of him always blaming me. But it was my fault. Sure, he was responsible for his own life but if I hadn’t been born none of this would have happened.”

You moved so you were knelt in front of him and took his hands in yours, tilting your head down in an attempt to get him to look at you.

"Sylvain..."

You wanted him to know you meant what you were about to say.

“If you hadn’t been born, you wouldn’t have read Bernadetta’s book.” 

“Wh-”

You squeezed his hands and smiled at him, “If you hadn’t been born, there would be one less person who understood and saw Dedue for who he is, not the hatred directed at his people. Ingrid wouldn’t have a silly playboy to run around and clean up after.”

Sylvain snorted at that.

“Hilda wouldn’t have competition for Marianne’s biggest fan. Marianne wouldn’t have someone who got up at the most ungodessly hours of the morning to take care of the horses with her, no one would be there to help Felix keep his cool and I wouldn’t have one of my best friends.”

You let go of his hands so you could wrap your arms around him, one of your hands cradling the back of his head. “Your crest doesn’t define you. And I wish more people saw that. I wish Miklan saw that. It’s okay to admit that it hurts. You don’t have to keep lying Sylvain. It’s okay.”

Sylvain’s breath hitched before the dam broke. His arms wrapped around you and his hands grasped at your back as a broken sob escaped him followed by countless others as he broke down completely.

You rubbed his back while he cried and just continued to hold him as he let himself openly weep for what might have been the first time. He cried for his brother. He cried for himself. All of the pent up pain that he had been masking and pushing down was finally bursting out of him and once it started he honest to goddess didn’t know if it would stop.

The two of you stayed like that for a long time. Even when his pained sobbing died down into silent crying, you continued to hold him, even pressing a kiss to the top of his head at one point.

When he finally pulled back he was even more of a mess than when he first opened the door, but he looked healthier. Not visually in any way, but there was just a part of him that appeared… better.

He laughed under his breath as he wiped the mess of tears and snot off of his face. “Agh, see this is why I don’t cry. It’s gross.”

You let out an amused breath as you handed him the cloth from earlier. “Yeah, that’s the thing about being human. It’s messy.”

Sylvain blinked at you before he smiled and took the cloth. “I guess that’s true.”

His placed a hand on the top of your head and ruffled your hair, like he’d done so many times before. You frowned and swatted his hand away so you could smooth it back down, causing him to laugh in earnest before he used the cloth to wipe his face.

You huffed, a warm smile on your lips. He was a bit more himself now, that was good. A warm feeling spread through your chest and your heart twinged just a bit.

Ah this was bad. Really bad.

“Well, I should probably get going. I left some food for you so-” You had moved to stand when Sylvain grabbed your wrist.

You blinked down at him, surprised by the way he looked up at you. “Actually could you… stay?”

Goddess this was really really bad.

You nodded and another tired smile spread on Sylvain’s lips as you both stood up. “I don’t know about eating but I might actually try to sleep. I didn’t realize how tired I was until now.”

“Yeah,” You bit your lip as you held onto your arm. “Crying can do that.”

Sylvain started to move towards the bed and paused, rubbing the back of his neck. “Uh, did you want to..”

Your face turned red but you nodded.

A few awkwardly silent moments later and the two of you were laid in his bed. His back was to the wall and you were as close to the outer edge of the mattress as you could be without falling off. There was barely any space between you and you were pretty sure you were on fire.

Surprisingly enough, when you finally dared to peek up at Sylvain he seemed to be just as flustered. Odd.

When he noticed you looking though he just smiled and lifted an arm. “Come on, I promise I won’t do anything weird. I don’t want you to fall.”

You bit your lip before you scooted over and let him lay his arm over you. “You better not.”

Sylvain closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. It was obvious he was going to be out like a light in a matter of seconds. You started to close your eyes too when Sylvain spoke.

“Hey, ____?”

“Yeah?” You blinked up at him.

“Thank you…”

You opened your mouth to respond but he was already fast asleep. Yup. This was literally the worst. You’d suspected it before but now it was almost impossible to ignore.

You were falling in love with Sylvain.


	6. Chapter 6

A sudden loud banging jerked you awake, your eyes snapping open, only for you to groan at the way the light from the window next to Sylvain practically blinded you the second you'd try to make sense of things.

The sleep deprivation must have seriously put Sylvian in a coma, because despite the insistent pounding on the door, the man just grumbled and pulled you closer as he continued to sleep.

"Sylvain! Sylvain, goddess help me. I know you're in there!"

Shiiiiit. Of course it had to be Ingrid.

The much gentler sound of Dimitri's voice trying to calm her once the banging ceased only made you panic more as you tried to shake Sylvain awake desperately.

_"Sylvain!" _You whispered under your breath as you tried to get him to open his eyes.

"Listen Sylvain, it's been five days now and you haven't opened this door once. I didn't want to have to do this but you leave me no choice. You better not be dead or I'll kill you!"

You squeaked and did the only thing you could as you yanked the covers over you and pressed yourself as close to Sylvain's chest as you could and not a moment too soon.

The sickening crack of splitting wood and high pitched grating noise that the poor hinges of Sylvain's door made as Ingrid literally tore his door apart was good for something at least as Sylvain finally snapped awake and cursed under his breath.

His eyes darted between you under the covers and the doorway in panic, his hand slipping under to pull you closer and pray it was enough.

Ingrid huffed as she pushed aside the splintered door that surprisingly enough still functioned. Just needed a firmer push… and a new lock.

"Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me!" She practically screamed at the sight of Sylvain in bed, with one hand raised in a casual wave. Neither of you were very good at thinking of ways to not get caught on the spot because it couldn't be more obvious that he wasn't alone.

Dimitri stepped in behind Ingrid and sighed as he shook his head and took in the sight of the room and his… guest hiding under the sheets with a shirtless Sylvain.

"Well… At least he's been taking care of himself." Dimitri attempted as he gestured to the supplies you had used the night before.

Ingrid practically growled as she stomped across the room.

"Yeah, he took _real_ good care of himself. And here I was actually worried. Honestly Sylvain, I know you don't have the healthiest coping mechanisms but I thought even you would cut the crap after killing your own brother."

_"Ingrid."_

You weren't able to see the instant look of regret on Ingrid's face the second the words left her mouth. Quite frankly even if you had, you probably would have wanted to bite her head off in that moment regardless.

Sylvain's grip tightened on you as you tried to push yourself up so you could give her a piece of your mind. His voice was shockingly even as he took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry for worrying you guys. I just needed some time to process. This isn't what it looks like but I know you have no reason to believe me. It's not something I'm going to explain or justify either, but I'd appreciate it if you could wait to chew me out until after this person leaves."

Ingrid opened her mouth to say something but was cut off as Dimitri nodded and smiled politely.

"That would only be a basic courtesy, of course. I assume since you're doing a bit better we will see you downstairs for breakfast?"

It was phrased as a question but was obviously a thinly veiled command. Even Dimitri seemed to have his fair share of annoyance at the display before him, even if he had a sneaking suspicion that Sylvain was telling the truth and that this really _wasn't _what it appeared to be.

"Yeah, wouldn't miss it." Sylvain agreed with ease.

Ingrid frowned before she relented with a heavy sigh. She turned to follow the prince out, but not before she spoke quietly.

"I'm glad you're doing better. If you need to talk to someone, you have us. Please don't forget that."

You waited with baited breath as the sound of her departing steps faded away until you were sure they were both long gone. Sylvain's grip slackened enough that you were able to poke your head out and frown at him with bed ruffled hair.

"You didn't let me explain."

Sylvain smiled down at you warmly and tried to flatten your hair instead of trying to make it worse for a change.

"I didn't want them to get any wrong ideas about you."

Your eyes drifted away from him as you felt a small prick of disappointment. Which was absolutely stupid considering it wasn't like there was anything to be disappointed about.

"Right." You smiled as you let out a breath weakly. "Don't want them thinking the worst."

Sylvain must have picked up on your unease as he tilted your face to look up at him, not noticing the way your breath hitched as his fingers cupped your chin.

"Hey. There's no reason to worry about that. Like I said, the Blue Lions are like family to me. You're too important to me for anything like that to ever happen."

A lot of mixed feelings were starting to swirl in your mind and you had only been awake for a grand total of five _very_ eventful minutes.

You knew you were starting to blush so you quickly pushed yourself out of bed and scrambled to find your belongings, all while being _painfully_ aware of just how red your face was.

"R-Right, well I should probably get going. Wouldn't want them to come back and see me leaving your room or get any weird ideas if I didn't show up for breakfast. So I'll just see you down there, um, bye!"

Sylvain blinked as you practically teleported out of his room with how fast you scurred away. He let out an amused chuckle and shook his head as he spoke to no one in particular.

"She's such a weirdo."

His eyes drifted down to the hand he held her face in and he sighed before pushing himself out of bed. Despite everything, he couldn't stop smiling.

\---

"Dedue, can I ask you something?"

The next few days had passed by relatively smoothly, much to the relief of your class. Sylvain started coming out of his room more, not like he had much of a choice after getting scolded for the borrowed supplies from the sauna in addition to the damage to his door that needed to be repaired.

You had apologized profusely for getting him in trouble but he just brushed it off and told you not to worry about it with a smile on his face as he ruffled your hair as usual.

That was something new. Before, any interactions between the two of you would make you feel lighter or happy at most. But now even the slightest touch was enough to make you blush and it didn't help that one, you were terrible at hiding your emotions and two, Sylvain had become a _lot_ more touchy ever since the night you helped him.

You hadn't resorted to avoiding him. Not yet at least, you weren't Felix. But you were at your wits end. Sylvain hadn't noticed your feelings yet, or if he had he hasn't said anything yet. _Oh goddess_. Sylvain knowing and not saying something was somehow a thousand times worse than the idea of getting it over with with a quick awkward rejection and letting it smooth over with time.

Dedue seemed to sense your discomfort early on, but hadn't approached the topic. The two of you had been working together in the greenhouse, tending to the herbs and flowers the professor set aside for the class in relative silence other than some pleasant small time.

"Of course, ____. Is there something on your mind?"

You bit your lip, hoping that what you were about to ask wasn't too personal. Everyone knew that you Ashe, and Annette had grown closer lately and with that growing friendship came more… personal conversations.

"The whole thing with you and Ashe… that's…"

Dedue's steady hands faltered for a moment before he nodded carefully and resumed his work, tending to the flowers he'd planted from his homeland.

"Ah, so he told you."

"Yes.." You started slowly, worried that you had in fact, crossed a line.

"Do not worry, I am not upset." Dedue reassured you, as if he sensed your concerns. "I am glad he is able to confide in his friends."

"Could you tell me more about it from your perspective?" You asked. "I don't mean to pry, I'm just… trying to figure out some things in my own life and I don't know… Sorry."

Dedue shook his head and glanced at you, a rare and gentle, understanding smile gracing his lips.

"You don't need to apologize. Feelings can be… complicated. While I may not be the best person to discuss such things with, I take no offense to you asking."

You smiled back, feeling a warmth at the growing comfort between the two of you. "Thank you."

Back when you first joined the Blue Lions, you sorely misjudged him. Not because he was from Duscar, but more because you had never encountered someone like him and it intimidated you at first.

But with time and interaction, you came to realize quickly that the way he would try to keep others at an arm's distance was to protect them from rumors or outside judgement, not out of contempt. He was quiet and a bit hard to read, but he was gentle and kind.

"While I do see Ashe as… someone special, I know that I could never give him what he deserves. I live to serve his highness and I will die if it should ever come to benefit him. To court Ashe when I could never truly devote myself to him would be unfair."

It pained you to hear Dedue say these things. It was more or less what Ashe had repeated to you and Annette with a sad yet understanding smile the day he was rejected, but you did agree to a certain extent. No one liked Dedue's unhealthy devotion to Dimitri. Goddess, _especially _Dimitri. He hated it so much, but Dedue was resolute no matter what anyone would say.

You wished Ashe and Dedue could be together, but you did agree that if Dedue wasn't in a healthy position to commit to a relationship then this was the smarter choice… For now at least.

"How do you deal with that though? Even if you know being with the person would be wrong given the situation one is in, but still having feelings. Isn't it hard?"

Dedue was silent for a moment as he finished tending to the flowers before properly answering you.

"It's difficult. That never changes. But knowing I can still have him in my life even if I cannot stand by his side is enough. Even if it's painful at times."

“I see…” 

In all honesty, you weren’t sure you were satisfied with something like that. The idea of caring for someone that much and never being able to act on it? That took a type of strength you didn’t think you were capable of having and you knew how Sylvain was.

He didn’t see romance as something real. It hurt to realize if you ever tried to confess to him that you might just be one of the countless people he’d courted briefly and the thought of that made you feel sick.

You didn’t want to just be a brief moment that got used and then pushed to the side once things went sour or a nerve was struck. Even without the probably way over affection starved state your life had left you in, you knew you deserved better than that, even if it was Sylvain.

It wasn’t a secret to the friends you had in the Blue Lions as to why he did what he did. Miklan was just a glimpse of the fucked up sort of way the Gautier family functioned and pressured Sylvain as the symbol of their family crestline. If being cast aside from that pressure was enough to push Miklan over the edge then it didn’t take a genius to realize just how much of an emotional toll that sort of life took on a person.

But still… even knowing that…

“You are unsatisfied.” Dedue stated, breaking you from your thoughts with a gasp.

“O-Oh, no no. I’m sorry I got distracted.” Your face flushed with embarrassment at how you nearly forgot yourself and that you were having a conversation with someone else in the moment.

“It’s alright.” Dedue said, attempting to comfort you with a small and reassuring smile as he collected the tools you had finished using for the gardening to put them away now that the two of you had more or less finished the task.

"I appreciate you talking to me about this sort of thing, thank you Dedue."

He nodded and offered his hand to help you onto your feet. "I hope you were able to find the answers you were looking for."

You smiled and took his hand carefully, letting him help you up. "I think I'm getting there."

\----

“You didn’t have to come with me, you know.”

Despite Sylvain's warning for you to be careful earlier, you simply grinned as you walked backwards in front of him and shrugged.

"And stay behind to listen to yet another lecture on the many merits of political trading of crest research and ancient articles of crestual theory by Professor Hanneman instead? I think I'd much rather go on a tedious mail run instead."

Sylvain laughed and shook his head as he kept an eye on you to make sure you didn't trip and fall flat on your ass like he was 90% certain you would before you made it to the delivery station. 

"Touché."

Much to your pride and Sylvain's chagrin, you managed to make it to the postal office in one piece. You stuck your tongue out at him as he held the door open for you to pass, earning yourself an eye roll and a chuckle before he followed you in. 

The elderly woman behind the counter glanced up at the sound of the door chimes ringing and clicked her tongue as she looked over Sylvain with an unimpressed look.

"I thought I told you to stop bringing flings in here. You get in the way of business too much."

Sylvain snorted, missing the way your face flushed for a moment as he quipped back instead, more focused on the delivery pigeons flitting about on the first floor where they weren't supposed to be, but clearly too jittery to behave after having their afternoon nap interrupted by the two of you entering the tower office. "She's just a friend, don't worry. I'm true to my word."

The wink he threw in caused you _and_ the woman to roll your eyes as he hopped up on the counter, careful to avoid any loose paperwork as he grinned. "Besides, why bother bringing in some random girl when I've got you here to pay attention to, Mara?"

Even if his reflexes had been getting better since all the training Byleth had been making him do lately, Sylvain missed the chance to duck out of the way before Mara flicked his forehead with a frown.

"You're thirty years too young to be throwing that bull my way and completely inexperienced. Try again when you have more than one romance obsessed brain cell rattling around in there."

Sylvain clutched his chest theatrically, "Ouch, you wound me. Truly."

Instead of acknowledging his banter, the postwoman simply spoke to you from across the room with a smirk, noting the way you were crouched and busy trying to lure a pigeon towards your outstretched hand.

"Don't know how many times I have to tell you deary, unless you brought food you'll probably only get pecked. And if you did bring food then you'll _definitely _get pecked in the process."

You jumped a bit at being caught before laughing sheepishly and pulling your hand back towards your chest. "Oops. Sorry."

Sylvain blinked and looked at Mara dumbly. "What happened to _random girl_?"

"You think you're the only hotshot around here who gets letters?" Mara challenged with a quirk of her eyebrows. 

"No, but still…" 

Mara simply rolled her eyes once more before heading towards the back wall of shelves that were filled to the brim with letters and small packages sorted by house.

She tossed a bundle of letters unceremoniously to Sylvain, to which he thanked her and hopped off the counter before leafing through them idly.

You moved to follow him, assuming you were done at the office when you were flagged down by the postwoman instead.

“Oh, ____. There’s a letter here for you too.” Mara quipped, catching your attention as you blinked in confusion. She slipped you the letter before grabbing a bag of bird feed and making her way up the stairs to attend to the pigeons who were actually in their designated space like they should be.

“That’s weird,” You said as you took the letter, feeling a frown tug at the corner of your lips. “Why would anyone from home write to me? Unless…”

Suddenly you felt a cold wave of dread wash over you as you clutched to the envelope as your breath quickened and you closed your eyes as you tried to keep yourself from having a panic attack on the spot.

“Hey— ___? What’s wrong?”

You held up a hand, signaling to Sylvain to give you a minute. There was no use bothering to attempt trusting your voice, not like this. Not when your throat felt tight and your hands were shaking as you fought back tears and tried to remind yourself that the burning feeling that clawed up your spine was nothing more than phantom pains. It wasn’t happening now.

Garreg Mach. You were at the monastery. A student. _Safe_.

“I’m fine.” You finally said, your voice small as you opened your eyes to see Sylvain watching you with a worried look. He had one hand outstretched as if he wanted to touch you but wasn’t sure if it would make things worse.

The smile you shot him was fake, you both knew that. But despite that, he just lowered his hand and watched as you bit your lip and tore open the letter. 

Your eyes scanned over the page quickly as you attempted to pick out the dreaded key words that caused you to feel so sick, but what you found instead was almost laughable, yet somehow just as poor in taste as what you were fearing would be written instead.

A dry chuckle slipped past your lips as you shook your head and folded the single paper before tossing it into the bin nearby. "And here I thought it was something actually bad."

"What's up?" Sylvain asked, eyeing you cautiously at the odd unexplained behavior coming from you.

To be fair, you had the sense to feel bad that Sylvain had seen the brief flashes of the side of you you did your damndest to keep under wraps. But in this moment the emotional rollercoaster just a single piece of paper from your father sent you on left you still a bit dazed as you tugged at the ends of your hair in nervous habit.

"Nothing, it's… not the bad thing that I thought it was. Just some stupid stuff about arranged marriage."

Sylvain immediately tensed up, his eye twitching as his gaze immediately flicked to the offending letter in the trash bin before he looked back at you warily.

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

"Yeah, it's pretty stupid if you ask me." You sighed.

"Apparently he gets here tomorrow. I would have had more notice if I ever actually checked my mail on time but it's not like I would have been able to do anything. He wants to meet me in person and I gotta be on my best behavior, blah blah blah. It's all pretty stupid honestly."

When Sylvain didn't make any comment, you blinked slowly, your fingers pausing their nervous action as you tilted your head with a confused frown.

"Did you not know I was the daughter of a noble? I know I don't usually talk about it, but I sort of assumed you knew."

"I didn't." He said flatly. The unreadable expression on his face making you instantly worried.

"I'm sorry.. Well um, yeah I'm the daughter of house Clarinne. On the border of the kingdom and empire. We're supposed to be a neutral house but well… Is that a problem? You seem upset."

"I'm processing." Sylvain said as he pinched the bridge of his nose, the hand by his side clenching and unclenching out of habit, causing you to worry your lip between your teeth as your anxiety levels rose.

"Were you ever planning on telling me?"

"I already said I thought you knew." You frowned as you shook your head.

"Right, but if you realized I didn't. Would you have told me?" Sylvain asked, his eyes locked on yours, searching.

You bit at your lip a bit harder, uncertain as you tried to answer truthfully, but felt yourself also trying to answer _right _which in itself was a mistake.

"I don't know. Yes? Probably. It doesn't really matter so‐"

"Of course it matters!" Sylvain snapped suddenly, apparently reaching some sort of breaking point and pushing you towards yours quickly.

"No, it doesn't!" You bit back, feeling your frustration build off of his. "My status has nothing to do with who I am. _You_ of all people should know that."

"How am I supposed to believe that?" Sylvain asked as he threw up his arms.

"You think I haven't gone through this before? That I could honestly be that fucking gullible?!"

Frustration was starting to mix with pain as you fought between being offended and just being straight up hurt. You didn't know why this was becoming such a mess. Didn't he know you weren't like the girls he usually spent his time with outside of class?

After the conversation that night between you two and everything else that followed you thought that you were close. That there was something there. But now...

"I'm not lying Sylvain, you know that. I don't understand why you're angry with me. I didn't do anything wrong!"

Sylvain turned away from you and ran his fingers through his hair as he continued to spiral into the mindset that set off because of one stupid fucking letter that you suddenly wished didn't exist for entirely different reasons than before.

"I'm not, I just..! Was this some sort of set up? Were you just trying to get close to me because of my crest? Figured you could get some fucking points in without me knowing who you really were?"

"Sylvain-" You started, only to wilt under the sharp look in his eye as he turned around and fixed you with a look.

"_Don't_."

He let out a shuddering breath, sharp look darkening into something cold and distant.

"You're just some fake noble girl looking for a fancy nobleman with money so you can strike it rich and have stupid rich babies just like the rest of them. I thought you were different ____."

Everything seemed to go mute as you let Sylvain's words sink in, each feeling like a slap to the face as you felt the fight in you just… flicker out.

"I thought you were too." You said quietly. 

Your breath hitched as you tried to fight the heat pricking at the corners of your eyes. Not that it was a fight you expected to win.

"I thought… Is that all you really think I am? Just a noble who wants money? That something as artificial and petty as that would make me happy?"

Sylvain's glare faltered as you tried to will away the tears that started to fall to no avail. 

You lowered your head and laughed, the sound hollow and immediately shooting a twisted feeling to Sylvain's gut. Your laugh wasn't supposed to sound like that. You weren't supposed to have tears running down your face or tiny beads of blood on your shaking palms where nails broke skin from clenching too hard.

"I guess I got pretty conceited then I guess. If that's all you see me as then I guess we weren't really friends after all, huh? And here I thought…"

The hypotheticals were pointless, deep down you _knew_ that. But would you have told him? You already hid the truth from him as is, so… Honestly? Maybe you were just like the rest. 

Lying to get close to him, even if the motivation wasn't the same, you weren't any better than the others. You held your own secret too close to your heart not to be.

You shook your head, defeated smile completely out of place on your tear stained face as you wiped the streaks off your cheeks, only to have fresh tears fall in an instant. "No. Y'know what? I guess I was just like everyone else, you're right. Sorry to disappoint."

Sylvain didn't move to stop you in time as you brushed past him with a hand covering your mouth to keep yourself from sobbing and falling apart in public. He called after you, but it fell on deaf ears as the door swung shut behind you.

He was left alone standing in the room, regret and a letter in the trash taunting him for royally fucking up everything with someone who had become one of the most important people in his life. Someone he cared about so much that it was almost terrifying. And he just chased you off by saying you were everything he hated and wanted nothing to do with.

"Fuck."

The curse was followed by a dull thud as he kicked at the wall and let his head rest against the wall as he tried to not let the picture of you crying or hear the hollow laugh that wasn't the warm sound he'd grown to love so much followed by the defeat in your voice before you left. 

He did that to you. And in all honesty, he didn't know if he was even worth forgiving.

\---

Despite your best efforts, a broken sob ripped itself from your chest as you sprinted through the monastery, desperate to get to your room so you could crawl up in a corner and hope that if you curled in on yourself enough that you would just disappear.

You didn't want Sylvain in your life because he was a noble. Falling for him had nothing to do with his crest. Even if you didn't have feelings for him, you really had grown to care about him just as a person and you thought the feeling was mutual. He was someone you felt you could be yourself around and you thought… _goddess you thought._

The second you got to your room, you slammed the door behind you and bolted it shut before sliding down against it and landing on the floor with a thud. Your entire back burned in aching phantom pains as you curled in on yourself and let the tears fall freely, not caring if anyone heard your gross sobbing through the door.

You had feared rejection for who you were since the moment you'd arrived in Garreg Mach, but you didn't expect it to hurt so much when it was rejection from one of the people you had grown to care about most.

If this was how Sylvain reacted to something you weren't even trying to hide, then you didn't want to know how he'd react to the part of you that you hated most. Everything hurt the more you thought about losing all the friends you'd grown to care for deeply.

All because of something you'd never asked for. Something unnatural and disgusting. Something you were never meant to have.

You had gotten so carefree that you had let yourself forget, let yourself pretend you were normal. But now your ears filled with white noise as you clutched your arms and tried to bite down a scream, memories filling your head that you didn't want, didn't want, _didn't want._

Garreg Mach was supposed to be the place you could pretend it wasn't there. That it wasn't true. But now you wondered just how much longer you could keep up the act.

No one would want to be around you anymore. You'd get sent back home as a failure and go back to being locked in your room all the time, studying and trying to become the daughter your parents needed you to be.

Because who you were wasn't enough. What you did wasn't enough.

Not even the crest you bore that wasn't your own was enough. But it sure as hell could ruin you.

For all you knew, it was just a matter of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHH!!! 
> 
> im so sorry this took so long! ive been writing the next 4 chapters all at once like a fool on top of 3 other fanfictions. i just got accepted into the blue love fanzine as well so fear not! i promise there is more content to come! just give me a hot second lmao. i appreciate all yall and am so honored youve stuck with me on this self indulgent sylvain journey so far


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god, warning i did not beta this chapter very much at all. it felt too disney romcom cheesy to me and i died a little inside once i finished it. i hand you this and run away. far far fucking away

_Regards to my only daughter ___ _______ Von Clarinne,_

_I write to you to inform you of the pending arrival of the potential suitor Alexander Remington of the Andrestian Empire, who is to arrive at Garreg Mach in three days time._

_Young Alexander Remington is an exceptionally qualified heir to his household and has graciously considered you to be a worthy candidate for hand in matrimony. There should be no need for me to express the importance that you impress and are courteous through the _ _entirety_ _ of his visit to the monastery._

_The courtesy of Alexander going out of his way not to disrupt your studies shall not be in vain. As needless as the consideration towards such frivolities as your unnecessary pursuit of such boorish skills as those I've received word of the monastery shockingly putting students to use for on the battlefield, it is a consideration you shall repay nonetheless._

_Should all go accordingly, I will be expecting word from Duke Remington following his son's visit that arrangements for a formal proposal will be pursued immediately, therefore needless to say, your leisure time as a student would come to an end._

_Do not disappoint._

_Sincerely, Lord Francois Clarinne II_

You sighed as you looked over the crumpled letter for the hundredth time. If asked as to why you returned to the post office to retrieve the cursed parchment from the trash bin in the middle of the night, you don’t think you could have given a clear answer even if you had tried.

It had just been… _nagging _at you ever since you calmed down. For no good reason in particular either.

Every detached word had been exactly as you were used to hearing come from your father’s lips in person. Cold and yet vaguely considered “professional” if one tried to ever put a word to it. Not that there was much to address there in the first place.

With a sigh, you stood up and looked over yourself in the mirror to make sure everything looked alright. You had done your hair up in a braided bun, similar to Marianne’s in the way it curved underneath the back of your head with wispy pieces of hair tugged out of the arrangement to frame your face. 

It had been a last minute decision to ask Dorothea if you could borrow one of her cuter self-altered student uniforms. You weren't comfortable wearing your personal clothes for something like this, especially when you were still in the monastery, but you figured you should try to look at least a _bit_ nicer. Even if you probably wouldn't be coming out of this set on taking his hand in marriage for your father's sake, the basic courtesy of taking this at least a little bit seriously set your mind at ease a bit.

Dorothea’s view on nobles and arrangements like this was no secret, especially after what happened with Ingrid. So it shouldn’t have surprised you as much as it did that the woman had been absolutely beside herself once you told her what you needed the uniform for, but lent it to you nonetheless on the condition she get every single detail. 

That was how you ended up spending the better part of an hour sitting with her in her dorm room venting about what had happened with Sylvain in the post office. In your defense, you hadn’t meant to go off about Sylvain. You were more hurt than angry, but a weight definitely did lift itself off of your chest once you had told Dorothea everything. It helped just to let it all out and venting to someone who cared wasn’t a luxury you had been able to indulge in before life at the monastery

It took her a minute to figure out who she was more angry with, your father or Sylvain.

In all honesty the validation was incredibly helpful. You didn't tend to have it in you to become angry when it came to you yourself being wronged, so having Dorothea be so enraged on your behalf made you feel like you weren't just making yourself a victim in your head. That the things happening _were_ fucked up.

Dorothea had been reluctant to let you go after the two of you had talked, but in the end she respected your need to see this through. Knowing that such an independent and strong woman was in your corner was more than enough to give you the courage you needed to push through.

With one final look in the mirror and a sigh, you clapped your cheeks lightly and tried to motivate yourself. All you had to do was get through this. You wanted to fight for your individuality and this was the first step. All you had to do was be brave and put everything else in the back of your mind until after. Including the ache in your chest that refused to leave ever since you last saw Sylvain.

\---

"Dorothea, what the hell are we doing exactly? This wasn’t exactly what I pictured when you said you wanted to take me to the courtyard.”

"Shhh!” Dorothea hissed as she grabbed Sylvain’s arm and yanked him down so he was beside her where she had suddenly hid behind a large bush. “Crouch lower you overgrown fool. You're going to get us caught!"

"Ow! Alright, alright. Don't grab me like that, goddess your nails are sharp." Sylvain winced and rubbed at his arm and wondered if maybe the brawler students could learn a thing or two from Dorothea’s shockingly raw strength and deadly sharp nails. That whole thorny rose image she had going suddenly made a lot more sense to him.

“What are we even doing here to begin with Thea?”

Dorothea grimaced at the familiar nickname he had begun to use after the two of them finally dropped the whole flirting charade, opting for a solidarity in being two relationship chasing fools for very different reasons instead. She would take the fact that the comradery and platonic closeness growing there was something she actually valued greatly to her grave, but Sylvain knew all the same.

“We’re watching. So that _you,_” Dorothea frowned as she jabbed a finger at his chest, to which he yelped quietly at. “Can learn a thing or two about something I will _not_ let you fuck up on my watch.”

Dorothea’s frown deeped on her rose painted lips as she redirected her attention to a couple standing underneath the gazebo where the professor was known to host hundreds of tea times with students that Sylvain hadn’t noticed in the slightest until now. In his defense he was more focused on the odd behavior from his friend to pay much mind to some random noble looking guy and what he assumed was his date standing a bit in front of him. It was hard to tell considering he couldn’t see the other person with one of the gazebo pillars blocking his view.

He tried to lean over a bit to see if the identity of the other person there would answer the question as to why Dorothea was so intent on the two of them eavesdropping when what she said next left him more confused than anything. 

“One of us deserves a shot at something real.” She muttered quietly under her breath.

Worry panged in Sylvain’s chest as he tore his gaze away from the sight of the noble who reminded him way too much of Lorenz and not in a good way to look at Dorothea with a concerned glance.

Not looking back, she simply slapped at his arm and pointed back at the gazebo. “Eyes sharp skirt chaser. I blame you for this.”

Any confused protests died on Sylvain’s lips as he turned his head back just in time for his eyes to widen just as you stepped into view, no longer blocked by the pillar of the gazebo. He'd seen women dressed in clothes far tighter, much shorter, in _so much less_ and yet heat bloomed across his face as he inhaled sharply at the sight of you.

To say Dorothea's clothing suited you would be a gross understatement. 

He'd always known you were pretty. Sure, Sylvain wasn't exactly the picky type but you'd caught his eye when the two of you met for a reason. This was ridiculous. You weren't even wearing anything that special, you were still technically in a uniform, even if it was a bit more… _revealing._

“Thea, what…” There were questions. Lots of questions. Sylvain suddenly very much did not want to be here, but it was too late to run without getting noticed and making things worse.

He’d felt awful ever since the whole thing at the post office. Of course he wanted to apologize, but he didn’t even know where to start. 

_Oh hey, sorry I flipped out, couldn’t tell you if it was because the topic of nobles and their whole take on relationships is such a huge trigger for me that I literally cope with meaningless fucks or the fact that I got extremely pissed off at the idea of _ _you_ _ being set up for an arranged marriage and how it rubs me the wrong way a lot more than it did with Ingrid. The person I’ve been friends with since I was like ten and would literally die for if it came to it on the field despite the fact I’m 80% sure if Felix doesn’t throttle me to death first it’ll be her._

Instead of getting to ask any of the questions or address the confusing thoughts that had been going through his head and had kept him up all night, he watched as the nobleman guided you to a table that was already prepared and helped you sit before he went to his own chair.

The way how he could tell you were completely stiff and uncomfortable yet still were able to smile so sweetly hit Sylvain like a train. Had you always been able to fake emotions like this? Was he just that blind to it before because he was so focused on his own mask that it didn’t occur to him that others could be wearing one as well? And why was it he was only able to pick up on those subtleties in you now?

You yourself were actually pretty proud of yourself for having gotten through the small talk and introductions without letting nerves get the best of you. Just because you knew what you wanted for yourself didn’t mean that this sort of thing was easy. And as much as you wanted to gain your independence from your family, you knew you had to tread carefully.

If Alexander, the suitor that your father had agreed to you meeting without asking you first, had noticed your nerves at all he opted to say nothing about it. Something that with anyone else you would appreciate, but it almost felt like with him he was holding it above you somehow. There was just this… vibe. It was unsettling.

Wanting to get this over with as soon as possible, you scooted your chair in a bit more so you were closer to the petite table and reached for the teapot on the left, only for Alexander to lift a hand and give you pause. "Please, allow me."

You let him, your hands opting to rest in your lap as he filled your tea with a dark fruit tea that you remembered was deceiving in the way it smelled sweet but was actually quite bitter on its own. "Thank you."

He simply nodded as he watched you reach for a sugar cube with a slight upward curl of his lips as he took a sip of his own steaming, bitter cup.

"So then, I suppose there's no point in beating around the bush with formalities."

You blinked, but nodded slowly as you lifted your cup to your lips and blew on it carefully. "I suppose not. We both know why we're here after all."

Quite frankly you hated speaking formally and all the pointless pleasantries that held no weight were just a waste of time. Still though… that didn't mean you were planning on letting your guard down.

Alexander hummed, almost looking bored yet quite pleased with himself at the same time.

“If I’m being completely candid, I show no more interest in such an arrangement than I assume you do. But part of the responsibility that comes with the grandeur of a life such as the one we live is the dealings we make along the way." 

He paused to take a careful sip at his tea, smirking slightly once he lowered his cup and set it on the table with a soft click. "Connections are everything after all.”

The visible tension in your body that strung itself tightly was cursedly obvious as he stood and slowly dragged his chair over before sitting down next to you. Too close for comfort, just close enough for him to have you on edge like he wanted.

“Think of it more as a business arrangement. We’d be nothing more than partners in name. It’s not as if our blood will be tested so if you desire to fool around with another we can just say the child is mine and none will be the wiser."

You inhaled sharply and fought the urge to duck out of his reach as his fingers tucked a stray lock of hair behind your ear with a coy smirk. "Of course if you _were_ interested in pursuing intimacy, I wouldn't be opposed in the slightest."

Note to self, cut that piece of hair off and burn it later tonight once this bullshit was over with.

There was no way you could have seen them, but Dorothea and Sylvain both wore expressions sharp enough to cut a man. Her nails dug into the flesh of Sylvain's arm as she gripped tightly onto him, half to prevent him from doing anything stupid and half to prevent _herself_ from doing anything stupid.

"This is why I hate nobles. Disgusting bastard…"

Sylvain just nodded and frowned as his fist clenched tightly by his side. He barely noted the pain in his arm where Dorothea was borderline risking drawing blood at this point. He was too focused on watching you and the way the man he was hating more and more by the second reached down to touch your leg.

To be fair, you weren't doing much better with the whole self restraint thing yourself.

A shiver ran down your spine in the worst of ways as he leaned closer to you, his hand pressing lightly into your inner thigh and slowly but surely making its way higher, raising your nerves along with it as he spoke in your ear.

“I promise that even with your _mangled_ imperfections that I’d treat you well. Even a doll that’s been ruined can still be beautiful if you hide away the ugly parts.”

Sylvain had to blink once, then twice. It had been hard to make out, but Sylvain had done his fair share of eavesdropping growing up and felt his skin practically boil as your face grew paler and you inhaled sharply.

His anger had peaked and apparently so had Dorothea's if he was to judge off of the way she cussed under her breath. He processed the other man's words in the back of his mind vaguely, trying to figure out what the hell he had been referring to about you being mangled and ruined. 

He didn't know what the guy was talking about but regardless he'd heard enough and the grip on his arm had loosened significantly, which was all he needed.

"That's it-"

_Slap!_

Before Sylvain could push himself off the ground or Dorothea could pull him back, you were the one to make an unexpected move instead.

Everyone's eyes were wide aside from your own as you frowned at Alexander, who was holding his slapped away hand in mild shock.

You took a slow breath to steady yourself before a sickly sweet smile graced your lips and you stood, placing your teacup on its dish carefully.

“As _generous_ of an offer yours is, I’m going to have to decline. I doubt my father would have disclosed that information to you, after all it _is_ one of his greatest shames. Therefore, I can't _possibly_ imagine he would find it beneficial in the long run to hand me off to such an underhanded man."

Alexander's face twisted with anger and indignation as he spat, "You're lucky I even came all this way after I learned of your sins! To turn me away is utter foolishness that I swear you will regret. You'll never find someone who wants someone as hideous and cursed as yourself!"

Your steps paused and Sylvain's eyes widened as the most bittersweet smile he'd ever seen spread on your lips before you turned towards Alexander and shrugged.

"Maybe so, but I'm okay with that. I'd rather be alone than settle for someone who just wants me for my crest or my family bloodline. If they can't accept the darkness that comes with it anyways, then it's not something they truly wanted that badly to begin with."

And suddenly there it was again, that tugging feeling in his chest like he'd suddenly forgotten how to breathe. 

He'd felt it twice before now. The first being after he'd cried himself out in your arms and the second being when he woke up the next morning to his door being broken down, gotten his ear lectured off by Ingrid, and the prince shooting him the neutral royal face of displeasure™, only for none of it to matter the second you poked your head out from under the sheets once they’d left, hair rustled and cheeks puffed in a frustrated pout at missing the chance to defend him.

The split second of realization that you were heading directly towards the spying pair was enough to show who could actually last in the survival of the fittest when it came to not getting caught.

Sylvain cursed under his breath as Dorothea was able to slip out of their hiding spot and appear as if she was just passing by just before you turned and headed their way. Someone his size and with his bright hair wasn’t exactly the type to get away with blending in with a fucking bush.

Sure enough, your eyes widened almost comically as you stopped just in front of the bush, jaw dropping slightly at the sight of the man who knew he had been caught red handed. _"Sylvain?”_

“I can explain?” He laughed nervously, rubbing at the back of his neck.

The crouched man was already counting his blessings as your expression turned into a downright terrifying blank stare, as if you were deciding if you should cut his head off there and then or wait to do it in his sleep. 

“You were eavesdropping.” You stated coldly. _“Why?”_

“I was just around and ended up listening before I knew what I was doing." He tried as he stood and faced you. "Sorry.”

A flicker of disappointment cracked through your flat expression before you forced the mask on your emotions back in place as best you could. 

"That’s all you’re sorry for? Right, then... I’ll see you around I guess.”

“No wait-” Sylvain reached out and grabbed your arm as you moved to walk away. You looked over your shoulder and tugged, trying to break out of his grip. It didn’t hurt, but his hand also didn’t budge.

“Let go of me Sylvain.”

Sylvain winced at the way your voice threatened to crack as you tugged again, this time the force behind the motion a lot weaker as your shoulders slumped slightly.

“I shouldn’t have said the stuff I did yesterday.” He said as he let his hand slip so it was only loosely wrapped around your wrist, giving you the option to actually pull away if that was what you really wanted.

Goddess he hoped that wasn’t what you wanted.

“You’re not like everyone else and I just ended up taking out my own shit on you again. I’m sorry.”

The moment of silence you took as you looked down at his hand before sighing felt like a lifetime to Sylvain. But when you looked up to meet his gaze, your eyes had some color in them again. He almost wanted to laugh at the relief he felt, but he knew it was too soon and he was nowhere out of the red yet.

“I deserve the truth, Sylvain. If you really see me as a real friend and not one of the countless girls you drag along then you owe me that much.”

“I…” He winced before sighing with a nod. “You’re right, just... can we not do this here?”

The fear that you would just tell him off and leave was real, but you only frowned slightly, clearly unhappy but nodded nonetheless. 

He shot you a grateful look before taking your hand and leading you away from the classrooms and further back in the monastery by the giant areas of practically wasted space that looped around the cathedral. Literally no one ever came by here, especially not when activities were starting to wind down for the day.

Sylvain walked over to the stone railing that overlooked the lower fields and leaned against it as he broke the silence with a question that was casual enough, yet the underlying reference was nowhere near lost on you.

“Do you remember what you said to me when we first met?”

Despite yourself, you snorted and chuckled as you recalled fondly, “The thing that had us at each other’s throats like a couple of children for nearly a month? Yeah, I remember.”

Sylvain let out an amused breath as he smirked your way. “You were more childlike that I was.”

You quirked an eyebrow and stared at him with an unimpressed look until he cracked and laughed, briefly throwing his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. Point taken, I may have been… _slightly_ more immature in the situation.”

“You switched all my books out with the winter course materials after my _small_ offense of accidentally knocking over your lance in the training hall.”

“That was on purpose and you know it.” He said with a frown that he barely managed to hold before you both broke out laughing.

“Goddess, we were the absolute worst.” You giggled as you wiped away the small tear at the corner of your eye.

“Looking back, it’s no wonder poor Ashe always looked like he was about to burst at the seams.” Sylvain smirked.

"Honestly…"

An almost comfortable silence fell between the two of you as you both watched the last of the wyvern riders and pegasus knights start to head back towards the monastery for the day as the sun began to set behind them. It took a while before Sylvain’s voice finally cut through the moment and returned to the real topic at hand.

"I wasn't always like this. Oh sure, I was hitting on maids when I was only thirteen but that was… mainly just a bored kid going through puberty doing whatever was entertaining and kept me in a public eye, safe from Miklan's abuse."

The smile on his face wasn’t the same as the one that had been there just a brief moment ago. This one was cold and detached yet still so pained and sad.

"I went from just flirting to get a girl to smile and feel better about myself to feeding off of the attention. When I realized that the only reason anyone ever gave me the time of day was because of my crest and noble heritage I figured that hey, if they're going to use me I might as well use them too, right?"

“You’ve never loved any of them.” The realization was almost a question, but you knew.

“I did.” Sylvain defended instinctually, a walled off and defensive look in his eye as he faced you, almost daring you to say otherwise.

Never one to back down from a challenge, you faced him head on as you turned to look at him as well. “You didn’t.”

“___, I did.”

“No,” Small hands reached up to cup Sylvain’s cheeks as you made him look at you. _Really_ look at you and hear what you were saying. “you didn’t.”

The rapid beating of your heart trapped in its cage inside your chest did nothing to help your nerves as you kept your eyes locked with his, refusing to look away for a single moment. You needed to get through to him, not because of how you felt, but because he needed to know that the lie he was living wasn’t all that there is to life.

“Sylvain, when you love someone it isn’t butterflies and heart-eyed moments. It can involve those things, but that’s only a part of it. Love is… it’s home. When you love someone it isn’t because of how beautiful they are or because of a certain trait. Just because you’re dating someone and it’s pleasant doesn’t mean you’re in love. You can’t just take the pretty parts of attraction that lie on the surface and call that real love. It’s so much more than that.”

Your hands lowered until one fell to your side while the other lay flat over his chest.

“It’s the good and the bad. It’s feeling safe to be yourself and wanting to see all of the person you hold close. It’s ugly and messy and goddess, it’s so much work. All love is, not just romantic. It’s intimate and _terrifying_,” You laughed under your breath as your fingers bunched the fabric of his shirt under your touch ever so slightly with the sound.

“But it’s real.”

You let your hand fall from his chest as you watched his face, seeing the conflicting emotions in those clouded over hazel eyes you’d grown to love. Not just when they shone in the light whenever he’d get that brilliant look whenever he laughed for real or the slight way they crinkled with his true lopsided grin. 

To say you loved Sylvain was a stretch and not completely true yet, but you knew. You knew you were falling and you were falling _hard_. But even so, what mattered to you most wasn’t how you felt. It was more than that.

"Do you still think that what you felt for them was love?”

Sylvain’s mouth opened and closed before he tore his gaze from you finally and looked out at the crimson sky of the setting sun the two of you had been watching, now at its peak warm glow before the cool of night would blanket over, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked down at his hand on the railing.

"I think if I was asked that before I would have lied and said that I did. For a long time I believed I did but now… I don't know. I’ve never…”

It hurt your heart to hear the fragile way his voice wavered. You didn’t have to imagine how he felt. You knew all too well the feelings that came with a family who didn’t love you. A world that saw you as nothing more than a power you never even asked for.

"Sylvain, you realize you're more than just a crest right?"

His grip on the stone beneath his palms tightened, causing his knuckles to turn white. Your hand was over his in an instant, causing his to falter until they relaxed under the gentle repeated motion of you rubbing your thumb over the bridges of his fingers.

"You have people who care about you and love you for _you_. Hurting others and yourself with an endless cycle of empty relationships isn't going to change anything. There are people who want to know you. Not the bearer of the Gautier crest, but just Sylvain."

"I… I know." The look of conflict in his features didn't go unnoticed but you didn't comment on it. Admitting that logically, the sentiment made sense but emotionally it was difficult to click was actually pretty understandable. Life long mindsets aren't something that change from just one conversation and you knew that. Even if you were never able to escape your own, you hoped that you'd be able to help Sylvain leave his demons behind.

"I hope you do..." You voice drifted off as you removed your hand to opt for leaning on the railing, watching the darkening sky as your mind wandered unwelcomingly.

All the talk about crests was beginning to invite unwelcome memories into your mind. Your hands clenched, nails digging into the flesh of your palm as you let out a shaky breath and tried to chase away the sounds of a time long ago echoing in your mind, reminding yourself that the chill you felt now was the gentle dusk wind blowing through the monastery and not the freezing cold of stone and water underground.

"If you want my real opinion, I wish crests didn't exist. I think they're a source of power that brings out the worst in others. People… want it to define you, but it doesn't. So don't let it."

There was a beat of silence, then two.

When large and calloused, yet gentle hands carefully prodded you to uncurl your fingers you let them, even if you weren’t expecting the touch in the slightest. You sighed deeply, letting the tension from your body you hadn’t even realized built up go as you looked up at him with a pained smile.

“Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have-”

You gasped as strong arms were suddenly around you and your fingers were pressed against the wide expanse of Sylvain's chest as he held you tightly. 

"Thank you."

The familiar ache of longing tugged at your heartstrings as you wrapped your arms around him and returned the gesture. You remembered Dedue's words and couldn't help the way you held him tighter.

"That's what friends are for."

This would be enough. If you pressing down your feelings meant you could be there for Sylvain like this then it was worth it. It didn't matter to you if he saw you as nothing more than a friend. As long as you got to see that smile and be by his side, it would be enough. 

No matter how much it hurt.


	8. Chapter 8

"I don't think it counts as training if you're legitimately trying to kill your opponent Felix."

Said swordsman rolled his eyes as they left the training grounds, both exhausted after hours of training yet noticeably more in control of his breath than Sylvain.

"I wasn't trying to kill you, idiot. We used training weapons."

"Yeah, for sixteen rounds of sparring!" Sylvain whined in between harsh breaths as they passed by the classrooms. "Honestly, what kind of fucking stamina…"

Felix just snorted and shook his head, "You're the last person that gets to talk about weirdly specific inhumane stamina."

Sylvain laughed, but persisted nonetheless, “I’m just saying-”

Whatever it was that he was saying, was cut off and completely drowned out by the sudden explosion that was strong enough it nearly shook the ground beneath their feet. Sylvain took a moment to process the nearly deafening sound, but Felix’s hands were already unsheathing the uniform sword that hung low at his hip, eyes darting towards the source of the sound immediately.

“It came from the dining area. Why the hell would someone attack _there_?”

Another explosion and both students were running towards the kitchens, unlike the rest who were actively trying to get _away_ from the smoky area. They barely made it into the cleared out dining hall when another set off behind the closed door that led to the kitchen.

_Boom!_

The third explosion was quickly followed by the sound of panicked screaming, causing Felix to curse as he ran over immediately and tried to bodyslam the door open.

"_Fuck." _Felix cursed under his breath as he threw himself against the door to no avail.

"Felix what-" Sylvain didn't understand what suddenly had Felix trying to burst through the door instead of trying to assess the situation first but then he heard your voice and the name that came from it suddenly made Felix's growing panic make more sense.

_“Annette, move!”_

Sylvain shoved Felix aside and took a shot at the door, figuring he’d have more luck with his larger frame but also feeling a sudden burst of fear that seemed to matched Felix’s as he heard Annette’s name come from _your_ lips.

“____, get away from the door!”

“Sylvain?! Oh _fuck_. Wait-”

You had tried to stop the magic building in the palm of your hands as the door finally pushed aside the cabinet that had fallen in front of it, but it was too late as the water spell you had been trying to amplify shot forward in a wave, extinguishing the fire and literally knocking Sylvain off his feet.

Steam filled the ruined kitchen, soot and water dripping and staining nearly every surface in sight with you and Annette standing in the middle of the room completely drenched, slightly singed and eyes wide as Annette’s jaw dropped and your hands immediately clapped over your own mouth.

“Oh my fucking goddess, I _killed him_.” You said under your breath, laughter bubbling slowly out of your lips as you processes the absolute clusterfuck that had just occurred.

Felix had been pissed off when Sylvain pushed him out of the way earlier. He had nearly bit off the redhead's neck, when it came to Annette he didn't always think the clearest. But now as he walked up to the man lying on his back who was too stunned from the blast of water to move a muscle he was glad it was his foolish best friend who took the facefull of water and not him.

He kicked lightly at Sylvain's side to check if he was alive, every part of his body still dry except for the soles of his boots. The difference was laughable.

“Unfortunately, he’s still breathing.” Felix announced flatly.

“Gee, tell me how you really feel.” Sylvain half laughed, half groaned as he sat up. He only took one glance at all the damage before he burst out in genuine laughter despite his ruined state.

“W-What the hell happened in here? Oh goddess and I thought _I_ was bad at kitchen duty.”

A laugh bubbled out of you as you shook your head in disbelief. “You are!” 

“Hey, I’ve been getting lessons from Dedue.”

Felix rolled his eyes and shook his head as he helped Sylvain stand. "Yes, because that's been helping _so _much."

"It has!" 

Annette giggled as she came up to the two and nudged at Felix lightly. "Oh come on Lix, don't be so hard on him."

Despite the pink that now dusted Felix's cheeks, he quirked an eyebrow at her as he motioned at the ruined kitchen. "You're not much better."

"Just for that, you're not getting any of the scones Mercie and I made last night!"

Felix crossed his arms and frowned in an almost childlike manner. "Like I'd care about something like that."

Annette placed a hand on her hip and shot him an unconvinced look. "I mean considering the fact you're our resident sweets hater, yet finished _half a batch_ the last time I made them…"

As the two continued their banter, you smiled fondly before starting to see what was approachable in terms of cleaning the ruined kitchen. Sylvain made his way over to you and picked up the edge of the fallen over cabinet you were eyeing and smirked.

He helped you lift the piece of furniture and push it back against the wall, making the task much easier than it would have been on your own.

“Thanks.”

“It’s not a problem. I thought it was weird the door was so hard to get open. At least we didn’t break it.”

You nodded, eyes widening as green caught your eye in the corner of the room. “Uh oh.”

Sylvain turned his head to see what had you looking so pale and immediately understood as he saw Seteth pinching the bridge of his nose by the doorway with a disappointed look as he tried to clearly keep himself collected.

Even Felix and Annette had stopped their conversation to watch the archbishop’s right hand man with tense apprehension.

“Do I even want to ask?” He finally managed to say with a heavy sigh.

“Probably not…"

…

"Goddess I thought he'd never let us go."

You nodded as you wiped the sweat from your brow. After getting scolded thoroughly, the four of you were made to fix up the kitchen in its entirety under Seteth's glaringly disappointed supervision.

It had taken several hours and by the end you were all exhausted. Annette excused herself to go find Mercedes and explain why she was late to their tea party while Felix stalked off, leaving you and Sylvain in the dining hall still catching your breath.

"So… Want to go spar now?" You joked with a grin as you tried to fix your messy hair that was half soaked in sweat, causing strands to stick to your face and frizz out all over.

"Don't joke about that. I need like, five years to sleep off all the shit I went through today."

"Aww, what happened to all that stamina of yours?"

Sylvain grimaced as deja vu from being teased earlier came at him full force. "Ugh, you're starting to sound like Felix."

You gasped and clapped a hand over your chest, pretending to be offended. "Hey, I would _never_ fuck a sword."

"I heard that!"

The two of you paused for a moment before breaking out into laughter, only to laugh even harder when Felix came back long enough to flip the two of you off before heading back out again.

You were still giggling a bit with Sylvain just shook his head and grinned. "So how about instead of training ourselves to death like a certain someone, we hit up the sauna? I'm still half drenched in magical water and that's your fault."

One look at your soot, flour, water, and various other things stained uniform and messy appearance was all it took for you to agree. The two of you headed over to the saunas, which were pretty empty around this time of day and changed separately before meeting back up in the public sauna for all genders.

“Honestly, it still surprises me that the church doesn’t have stricter guidelines when it comes to this place.” Sylvain commented as he poured some water over the self fueled fire magic that kept the room in condition before coming over to sit down next to you. “That’s putting a looot of faith in people, no pun intended.”

You shrugged as you leaned back against the warm bench and gathered your hair so it wasn’t sticking to your neck. “Yeah, but I mean at least the place is public enough the chance of people fooling around here is pretty slim so there’s that, right?”

When Sylvain didn’t answer, you tried to get him to look at you. 

“Sylvain.”

Nope.

_“Sylvaaaain.”_

Nothing.

You frowned and punched him as you opted to let your head fall on his thigh and make him nearly jump at the sudden change in positions.

“You promise this place is sanitary, _right?_” You squinted up at him. “No hookups in the sauna?”

Sylvain grimaced and pointedly looked away as he scratched at the back of his neck, “I mean… Clothes stayed on so...”

“You’re horrible.” You deadpanned.

“Not gonna argue with that one.” Sylvain laughed as he shrugged, admitting defeat.

The energy between the two of you shifted when you didn't move and instead opted to settle your head on his lap more comfortably. Sylvain made some sort of strained noise, which made you crack an eye open and shoot him a look. "This okay?"

Sylvain's face flushed as he looked away and nodded. He prayed to the goddess you didn't notice. At least he could blame it on the steam if you said anything. "Y-Yeah, it's fine."

You hummed, apparently appeased enough by the answer as you closed your eyes again and relaxed. He didn't mean to, but Sylvain couldn't help the way his eyes drifted.

Even if the outfits required for the all gender sauna room weren't revealing in any way, he still felt his heart rate pick up as he looked over you, his eyes stopping on the skin of your stomach that peaked out from where your shirt bunched up slightly. Beads of water shone subtly and rested on your arms, and face that was framed by the hair you had let fan out beneath you.

And that peaceful look on your face? Sylvain didn't want to think about how much he suddenly wished he could take a picture. Or how something so simple made his heart race like he'd just run a marathon.

He hesitated, but quietly gave in to the urge to carefully brush the stray strands of hair that clung to your face from the steamed room's effect, fingers lingering on your face for just a moment too long. When you didn't flinch at all, Sylvain let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding. You'd fallen asleep, thank goddess.

Regardless of the possibility of him never really having the experience of falling in _actual _love before, Sylvain wasn't stupid. At least not in this sort of sense. He knew he was starting to see you as something more, but what?

Was this just because he felt seen by someone other than his childhood friends for who he was?

He didn't think you were lying at all. The things you said to Alexander proved that when it came to crests, nobility, status and all that crap was just how you truly felt. You were an honest person who spoke your mind.

Unlike all the other people in his life that he'd felt anything for, you didn't have ulterior motives. You weren't trying to get close to him to gain something. He didn't want to lose that. Didn't want to lose _you._

But did that mean he was falling for you? Or was it something else? In all honesty, he didn't know.

Sylvain continued to run his fingers through your hair, letting himself have the private moment as he tried to process the things he was feeling.

You hadn't moved at first, but you knew you couldn't now. Not when you realized he thought you weren't awake.

You wished you could open your eyes and see what expression he was wearing right now and chided yourself for daring to get your hopes up over something so small, but you couldn't help it.

Sylvain continued and the two of you remained just as you were. His head full of confusing thoughts he didn't know how to approach and heart racing.

Little did he know just how much your heart was pounding as well.

\---

Flayn went missing.

It had been nearly a month and there was no trace of her, no clues, _nothing_. Poor Seteth was beside himself understandably, Byleth had been running around the monastery with more purpose than ever and a heavy tension fell over the monastery.

Jeritza had vanished as well. It struck you as a bit odd that no one seemed half as concerned about the mysterious man, although to be fair he was a likely suspect in Flayn’s disappearance.

You hadn’t had the chance to speak to the younger looking girl much, but you were worried. The topic was more than enough to fuel several sleepless nights mixed with nightmares and horrific memories. You could only pray to the goddess that she was safe.

For the most part, during the nights you knew sleep wouldn’t come you would spend some time at the pond. However with the rain pouring throughout the night, you decided to opt for checking if the library was still open instead.

It surprised you to hear voices as you made your way down the quiet halls. You barely managed to stop yourself from turning the corner and exposing yourself before it was too late once you processed the words that were being said.

“This wasn’t what we agreed on Tomas. If you and those in the dark cannot uphold your end of clear communication, then you will be making yourselves an enemy of the empire.”

Is that ...Edelgard? Oh goddess, you were _not_ supposed to be hearing this, were you?

“I assure you, that you are kept informed of everything pertaining to your part of the deal. What happens with this will have no ties to you. You were uninvolved in every way.”

“That’s not what I’m concerned about.” The empress to be responded flatly.

As shady as this all was, it was really none of your business. The last thing you wanted was to be killed by Hubert because you heard too much about secret empire business.

Your nerves were strung tight until you finally were back in your room, not allowing yourself to make a single sound until you were safe behind your closed door. 

Needless to say, you didn’t sleep well that night.

\---

"Do you think that maybe she eloped?"

It was immediately clear that that was the wrong thing to say as a flash of disappointment crossed your features as you wrapped your arms around yourself and looked down. 

"Sylvain, that isn't funny. This is serious. I'm worried about her."

The redhead cringed, beating himself up for making things worse. To make things worse, his mouth seemed to run off on its own and just add fuel to the fire before he really had the mind to reign it in.

"Hey I know, I'm serious about this too. I just think we shouldn't rule out all possibilities."

_"We shouldn't rule out all possibilities. The blood of the saints cannot be wasted carelessly so early on."_

Your awareness of the current world seemed to fade in the background as Sylvain's words triggered the faint memories of passing conversation that you weren't meant to hear.

_"The children are only the beginning. With the blood we have now we can expand our knowledge without risk."_

Not that the people who were speaking took your presence as a person into consideration to begin with.

_"The subjects and crest blood we have currently are dispensable. Means to the end we truly desire."_

"___…?"

When you didn't respond, opting to bite your lip and stare ahead blankly, Sylvain's worry from earlier tugged naggingly at his mind.

"____? Are you mad at me?"

"What?" You blinked, taking a moment to process his words. "Oh, no. It's not that."

"Then... what is it?" Sylvain asked cautiously.

"Nothing, nothing it's just…" Phantom traces of dark magic long long gone crawled up your spine and caused you to shiver. You could practically feel the needles, the surgical blade in your back. Hear the cries of children echo off the stone walls instead of the chatter in the dining hall that was actually filling your ears. "This feels too familiar."

"What do you mean?"

The nagging feeling at the back of your mind was practically screaming at you as you remembered what you'd overheard in the library. The voice you heard talking to Edelgard, so similar to the one from your memories.

Dread washed over you. You needed answers. _Now._

"Sorry, I have to go. I need to look into something."

"___, wait-" 

Sylvain's words fell on deaf ears as you turned on your heel and sprinted out of the dining hall. 

As much as he wanted to chase after you, he didn't really understand what just happened. He had no way of knowing where you were going or if him stopping you would make things worse.

Even so, he had a bad feeling about this.

\---

It was late, but luckily for you Ashe had still been in the library by the time you made your way over so the doors were still unlocked. He had offered to stick around with you when he realized the time, but you just smiled and waved him off as he headed out instead.

As sweet as the offer was, it was clear Ashe had been here reading for ages based on how tired he seemed. Plus you were on a mission and could be here for goddess knows how long yourself.

You bit your lip as you looked over yet another shelf, hoping to find what you were looking for. 

“Where is it…”

Amongst the mass of records regarding finances, noble lineages, crests, and literally everything else pertaining to notable record of recent history you were looking for one thing in particular. Something you weren’t even sure would be kept here, but you’d find it more odd if it wasn’t.

The only possible reason the reports on all the children that went missing within the span of a year, a “mystery” that had never been resolved, would be because someone had gone out of their way to hide it.

“Looking for something?”

You practically jumped out of your own skin as you gasped and pulled your hand away from the shelf as if you had been burned. How had you not noticed the librarian suddenly standing beside you? Even if you had been alone in the library at first, you weren’t so invested that you wouldn’t have heard the door open.

“O-Oh, Tomas. You scared me. I didn’t hear you come in.” 

The elder man chuckled, “Aha, my apologies. I didn’t mean to startle you. It seems like you’re looking rather intently for a record though. Perhaps I might be able to assist.”

Despite the innocent and gentle smile on the mans face, a creeping feeling of fear was crawling up your spine. His voice was too familiar. The things you overheard him saying to Edelgard.

You wanted to run.

“I was just um… looking for the records on those missing children. From fifteen years ago.”

The librarian hummed as he looked to the shelves behind you and stroked his chin in thought.

“Ah yes, the pied piper tragedy. So many families torn apart, such a sorrowful thing.”

You nodded, not knowing what to say to that. Quite frankly you were too overwhelmed with the voices in your head and phantom pains crawling over your skin like a hungry flame.

“Unfortunately, I don’t believe we have anything on the incident. I’m sorry to disappoint, I’m assuming this was related to the search for that young church girl.”

“Yes…” You nodded. “But it’s alright… It was a longshot anyways. Thank you for your time.”

Without another word you made for the door, trying not to sprint out like your wobbly legs screamed at you to do so.

“Of course my dear, have a pleasant night.”

Tomas watched as you left in a hurry and frowned once the wooden doors of the library closed behind you and the sound of footsteps grew faint.

"That girl is proving to be more troublesome than the others… We cannot afford to be discovered so soon. Not to mention that oddly faint crest energy I sensed..."

The false librarian frowned as his locked up for the night and began to make his way down the quiet halls.

_Did she bear a minor crest? He thought he had collected the records of all crest bearing students at the monastery, major and minor…_

"_Ah_, I see." He hummed under his breath. "And here I thought all those failures had died out by now."

He had originally planned on telling the Death Knight to dispose of the nosy student, but now that the pieces to the puzzle were fit together, the curiosity and allure of a new test subject that had _survived _seemed far more beneficial to the project in the long run.

They had the empire brat with the crest of flames. The youngling with two crests as well, always just within arms reach. Solon grinned as he wondered what benefits of _your_ survival could be reaped as well.

"This might be worth looking into after all."

...

The next morning things were the same as before. Byleth spent all their time running throughout the monastery on a mission, Rhea tried (and failed) to get Seteth to sleep or eat, and a heavy silence blanketed the monastery as students and staff alike tried to keep up regular activities.

The only thing that had changed, was that you didn't show up for class.

Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. But with Flayn having been missing for nearly a month and rumors of the Death Knight at peak anxiety inducing tension, by the time the class ended everyone was on edge, even the professor.

"She wouldn't just miss without saying anything." Mercedes said quietly as Byleth finally asked if anyone knew why you were absent.

Ashe nodded, "I spoke with her briefly just last night at the library. She didn't say anything about missing class and didn't seem ill."

"Sylvain, what about you?"

The student in question's leg stopped bouncing irritably as he blinked and stopped biting the nails he didn't even realize he had been chewing on. One glance at the ruined nails was enough for him to realize he'd been doing it the entire class. Shit.

"I'm sorry, what?" 

Byleth shot him a look, one that almost looked like pity as they repeated themselves. "Any idea where ____ might be?"

Sylvain felt all eyes on him, which didn't help at all when he shook his head. "No… Last time I saw her was before she left for what I'm assuming was the library."

"I see."

A heavy silence fell over the class as everyone's mind raced, all most likely fearing the worst but not daring to be the first to say it out loud.

It was suffocating.

Sylvain stood abruptly, his chair croaking loudly against the unpolished stone floor from the sudden movement. "I'm going to go check on her."

No one followed, and any protests fell on deaf ears as he left the classroom and made a beeline for the dorms. When he got to your bedroom, he stopped to take a deep breath to calm his nerves before knocking lightly on the door.

"____, are you still in here? You didn't show up to class and it's got everyone worried. Did you catch a cold or something?"

_...Nothing._

"___?" Dread flooded Sylvain's veins as the worst case scenario suddenly flashed through his mind as everything around Flayn crashed back into him in full force. The last time he saw you… the distant look on your face, the way you seemed to have realized something important. He should have asked, should have followed. 

_Fuck_.

Sylvain grasped at the handle to your doorway and stumbled forward when the door opened without any give. The lock had been broken, but that wasn't the only causality of destruction to the room.

Blood pounded in his ears as Sylvain's breathing became unsteady, his back hitting the wall behind him and keeping him supported through his increasing panic.

Your sheets had been torn to shreds, half dragged off the mattress as if you had clung to them to keep yourself from being pulled away. Books and miscellaneous objects from your shelves had been knocked over, glass scattered across the floor from what was most likely a small bottle at one point. 

Everything else became a blur as Sylvain honed in on the darkly stained edge of your desk and the dried blood that had dripped down to the carpet below. 

Images of you flashed through his mind as he fell to his knees and screamed. Of the times you'd smiled, got angry with him, laughed. And now the horrifying thought of you stained in blood with lifeless eyes that his mind filled in the blanks on its own from the sight of your room.

He barely processed the hand that grasped at his shoulder before someone was shaking him violently. Sylvain nearly punched whoever it was when striking amber eyes met his and he collapsed against his best friend.

Hearing the screams, Byleth and Felix ran to find Sylvain in your destroyed room, with Dimitri not too far behind as well. Apparently after everything the class had decided to split up and focus on the search.

Sylvain grasped at Felix, who was knelt in front of him with a frown as if somehow anchoring himself to something real would quell the hysteria building inside of his chest. "She's gone Fe. She's fucking _gone _and I should have followed her. I shouldn't have let her go, why did I let her go? I can't-"

"Stop." Byleth interjected before Felix could say anything, kneeling down beside the pair with an even expression despite the fire in their eyes. "You need to breathe Sylvain."

"Professor!" 

All heads whipped around as Ingrid and Ashe ran up into the room, panting slightly. Ashe's eyes grew wide at the state of your room, but Ingrid seemed undeterred as she caught her breath.

"It's Manuela. We just heard a scream and found her gravely wounded, but there's more. You need to see this."

Byleth nodded, leading the way knowing their students would follow close behind. Especially Sylvain if this was related to the Death Knight.

"Grab your weapons. We need to go, now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you didnt think i forgot the canon timeline did you? :3c


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to all the absolutely amazing comments that ive been getting. yall are so sweet and supportive and honestly it always pushes me to write more so thank you so much. i still cant believe i actually have a small active following on this fic, yall are literally the best

_The ear piercing creak of rusting iron bars woke you with a startled gasp, causing you to push yourself up from the freezing stone beneath you to acknowledge the offending sound's source. A hooded guard tossed a child about your age into the cell unceremoniously before pulling the gate door closed and locking it behind them._

_You recognized her immediately and scrambled towards the girl in ragged clothes, cringing as she rolled over onto her back with a groan. Black veins pulsed with sinister red, glowing energy that contrasted horridly against the pale, sun starved skin of your friend._

_"It's getting worse." You breathed, hands hovering just over her body, too afraid of touching and causing more pain._

_The girl just laughed harshly and groaned as the action jolted her body too much, too quickly. "Can't exactly say they had me thinking it would somehow get better this round."_

_"This isn't a joke Zera!"_

_"I know, I know." She grimaced as she waved you off. "Jeez ___, lighten up a little. It's almost like you've been kept in an underground prison and experimented on for two years. Where'd your sense of humor go, hm?"_

_The chastisement you had for your cellmate was at the tip of your tongue when the evil glow lessened and the blood in her veins began to fade back to their intended color._

_A relieved sigh left the both of you as she let closed her eyes for a moment before sitting up experimentally._

_"That's better." She hummed as if she had simply cracked a sore joint and was magically feeling well again. Unfortunately, the dark circles under her eyes and the way her bones were beginning to peek through skin said otherwise._

_You bit your lip as you watched her, wondering how long it would be before you were dragged in for your next dose. It had been… a week? Five days? It was hard to keep track, but the sessions had definitely been becoming fewer and farther in between than Zera's and the others who were being tested with stronger crests._

_Noticing the look in your eye when you started overthinking, Zera wiggled her eyebrows at you playfully as she reached under her shirt and pulled out a small object. "Alright, enough of that. Look at what I snagged, might help cheer you up some."_

_You gasped as your eyes widened. “Is that…?”_

_“I’m getting pretty good at this huh?” Zera grinned as she twirled the small surgical blade between her fingers. “Pocketed it during today’s round of injections, right under their noses. Ha! That’ll show em.”_

_“But Zera," You frowned, not understanding the point. "we can’t fight with something that small.”_

_Zera quirked her eyebrow challengingly, “Who says it's for fighting? You remember that little fire spell I taught you, right?"_

_With that, she placed the blade into your hand, curling your fingers around it before she pulled her loose shirt off and turned her back to you._

_“I want you to tally me. They’ve never done anything under our clothes before right? Just the exposed skin. I need a way to remember. To keep grounded. Each day that passes is another day closer to us getting out of here ____.”_

_“But can’t we just mark the walls of the cells?” You asked nervously, not liking where this was going at all. The idea of purposely hurting Zera was enough to make you queasy, let alone actually doing it._

_The young girl just shook her head and frowned. “With how often they move us all over the place? We’ll lose track.”_

_“Zera... I don’t think I can…” Your hands shook as you looked down at the small weapon, glinting harshly at you from the reflection of the candlelight outside your cell._

_“Please. All you have to do is knick the skin a bit then hold it there for a moment after you've heated the blade. I promise it's not too bad. I can take it." Zera pushed._

_“Okay…" You relented after hearing the resolution in her voice. "But only if you do mine too.”_

_“Right.” Zera nodded over her shoulder with a determined look before she took your shaking hand and squeezed. “We’re going to get out of here.”_

_“Together.” You whispered as you raised the small blade, keeping your other hand held tightly in hers._

_“It’s a promise.”_

\---

Sylvain had never torn through a battle like this before. He’d barely been willing to touch the lance of ruin since it was returned to him, but for the first time he felt in sync with the pulsing weapon as he raged on. 

The professor had stood up for him against the archbishop when she had wanted to send it back to his father and he hadn’t been more grateful for it than this moment. He'd never felt unstoppable fighting the way he did now.

It was almost exhilarating despite the circumstances.

The guttural sound of blood spurting from the soldier he had just run his weapon through fell on deaf ears as he yanked back and let the body fall before him. 

Felix grimaced as Sylvain cut down another foe, the look in his eye becoming more dangerous with every corner turned to reveal no sign of you or the others.

Completely oblivious to the mage that was taking aim at the lancer, Felix reached for his Levin sword and smote the bastard before he even had the chance to finish the spell.

“Sylvain, you need to calm down. Don’t become like the boar.”

If it had been anyone else and if Felix hadn’t mentioned Dimitri, Sylvain would have probably bit his head off. But it _was_ Felix and Sylvain refused to ever put him through that situation again. Besides, things were going to be fine. They were going to find you and Flayn and everything would go back to normal. He wasn’t going to lose you.

It took him a minute before he was able to let out a shaky breath and nod, some of the rigid tension leaving his shoulders much to Felix’s relief. “Right, right… Sorry. Thanks for saving me.”

“Don’t thank me.” Felix rolled his eyes as he tapped Sylvain’s chestplate and moved past.

He was never all that great with words, but the focus had returned to Sylvain’s eyes and even though Felix was worried too, he was more relieved than anything else in this moment. He could never go through seeing another friend become a wild animal in battle; never really was able to with the first one if he was being honest. 

“Let’s just find them, yeah?”

With each soldier and locked door, Sylvain grew more restless. For a secret chamber this place was stupidly well guarded, not to mention the weird panels emanating magic. Annette identified them as short ranged teleportation circles. It bothered Sylvain that Annette knew more about this than he did considering they were marked with the crest of Gautier and he had no idea what the connection was there at all, but he'd have to ask her later.

The longer the fight wore on, the stronger the urge to disobey the professor’s orders to avoid the panels grew. Logically it made sense. Splitting up in tight, unfamiliar territory where they had no way of knowing where they would end up and what would be waiting was the quickest way to a fool's death. But they had to be there for a reason_, _right?

There was a whole fucking group of enemies down here after all, they couldn’t be meant to be used as traps. Not if they were caught off guard by being discovered like this.

“We found someone!”

Sylvain’s eyes widened as he whipped around and ran towards where he heard Annette’s voice not too far off. When he turned the corner and found her trying to fend off the mages while Dorothea and Ashe tried to escape he immediately noticed two things.

The first being that the student his friends were trying to get out of the crowded space was neither you, nor Flayn but some girl he had never seen before. Something about the unconscious girl seemed… _wrong_ too.

But the disappointment and warning feeling in his gut were both pushed to the side as he locked his gaze on the Death Knight and the teleportation panel behind him. He wasn’t chasing the others or helping his allies. He was protecting that panel. Which meant that had to lead to whatever part of this stupid maze you and Flayn were in.

Ashe had just shot down the last mage when the blur of black armor and red hair passed in the corner of his eye. “Sylvain, don’t!”

"Hmph. You're not the one I'm waiting for." The death knight said, metallically toned voice sounding bored as he raised his weapon in time to block a jab from the lance of ruin.

It was obvious that he was outmatched, but he wasn't fighting to win. He just needed to _get past._

He thought that he had found an opening after he parried an attack, only to feel the sharp force of the Death Knight's blade slice across his side, knocking him down to the ground with a yell as he lost his grip on the lance of ruin and the weapon skidded out of reach.

Sylvain hissed in pain, his hand immediately clutching at the fresh wound to try and slow the blood flow. The death knight didn’t say anything. Didn’t gloat or ask for Sylvain’s final words. Just approached silently, weapon raised to deliver the final blow.

He almost accepted that he was completely and utterly fucked, when he noticed the lance of ruin’s eerie light glowing brighter than usual as it hummed with a newfound energy. Something it only did when…

The sound of the sword of the creator activating behind him was all it took for him to know he’d be covered. The second the Death Knight’s raised arm faltered and his head snapped up, Sylvain used the chance to dart forward and slip past.

Everything flashed brightly around him the second he touched the panel and the sound of weapons clashing was drowned out by the magic that rushed past his ears and wrapped around his body.

As the world rematerialized around him, Sylvain almost collapsed from blood loss and relief there and then when he looked across the room he arrived in. 

Flayn was unconscious and from what he could tell looked unharmed where she lay next to you on the stone floor, while you yourself were sitting with your back to the wall, knees pulled to your chest and head down. You both had chains around an ankle each and unlike Flayn, Sylvain instantly noticed the caked blood that had dried in your hair.

A spark of anger at whoever did that to you flared inside of him, but for the most part he was just relieved to see that you weren’t dead.

“Holy shit ___, you can’t scare me like that.”

Sylvain’s body was beginning to grow colder and he was losing feeling in his fingertips as he pressed his hand to slow the flow of blood from his abdomen, making his way towards the two of you. The three of you needed to get back to the others. Now.

At first, Sylvain thought you had just muttered something under your breath in response but then his steps faltered as he realized you were speaking to yourself incomprehensibly. “____?”

When you didn’t stop or so much as move a muscle to acknowledge you heard him, Sylvain was on his knees in front of you and shaking you in an instant. “____, snap out of it!”

You gasped, your head shooting up and eyes wide with fear as you tried to scramble backwards, only to realize you were literally trapped with your back to the wall.

“I can’t do it again, I can’t. I won’t make it this time, I wasn’t _supposed to_. You can’t take me back there, please! I can’t, I _can’t-_”

Sylvain’s arms were around you in an instant as he carefully cradled your head and kept you pressed against his chest. “Shhh, it’s okay. You’re not going back. It’s okay ____, I got you.”

A hiccup escaped you as tears pricked at your eyes and you came back to your senses. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders and you didn't bother trying to hold back the sob of relief as you buried your face against his neck.

"S-Sylvain.."

"Shh it's okay." Sylvain hushed you as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head gently, avoiding the injury above your brow. "You're… safe.. now."

Sylvain's weight grew heavy as he slumped against you, causing your breath to catch in your throat as you pulled back and tried to sit him upright.

"Sylvain?! _Fuck_." Your eyes widened as you looked down and saw the trail of blood that had followed Sylvain from the panel and began to pool beneath the two of you.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck _fuckfuckfuck fuck!_"

Your curses echoed off the walls as you scrambled to unlatch his armor and lie him on his back. 

"You can't do this to me Sylvain. You hear me? Don't you _dare_ fucking die on me." You sobbed as healing magic wrapped around your hands and began to light the dark prison room. "I can't lose you too."

Sylvain let out a weak laugh that sounded more like a faint wheeze as he lifted a hand and brushed his thumb over your cheek. "Wouldn't dream of it ____. I Promise. _Someone's _gotta be your knight in shining armor, right?"

The last thing he heard was you shouting his name. You were right there, yet somehow it sounded so distant. Your tear stained face was tainted with the blood from his hand and he wanted to wipe it away, but it was the last thing to fill his vision before everything went black.

\---

When Sylvain opened his eyes again, he almost wished he hadn't. The light from the large stained glass windows at the end of the infirmary was nearly blinding.

He'd ended up here a few times before and expected Manuela to walk up and start chastising him any minute now when he gasped and remembered everything that had happened.

Flayn. The Death Knight and the hidden prison. And you, you were- Right there.

A warmth bloomed in Sylvain's chest as he tried to sit up carefully, mindful of his injury and doing his best not to wake you.

You were sitting right there, asleep and hand in his as your bandaged head rested just beside his thigh with a blanket draped over your shoulders. The daylight that shone through the windows made you look nearly angelic and Sylvain couldn't put the things he was feeling at seeing you alive and the peaceful look on your sleeping face after everything that has happened if he tried.

"Mm…" You mumbled and shifted, face scrunching a bit as you started to wake up. "Five… more minutes."

Sylvain chuckled under his breath, "You should at least get in a more comfortable position if you're going to keep sleeping."

"Shhh, didn't ask for your opinion Sylvain…" You waved him off, eyes still closed until they snapped open and you gasped.

"Sylvain!" The way you bolted up into an actual sitting position made your aching joints crack loudly and the world spin for a single dizzying moment. Turns out spending a day in confinement followed by another curled over Sylvain's bedside with a healthy dose of head trauma made movement a bit hellish.

Sylvain had his hands outreached towards you the second the hiss of pain left your lips, concern etched across his features. "Hey, hey. Take it easy ____. You got hurt pretty badly."

"Looks who's talking, you idiot!"

Tears pricked at the corner of your eyes and you cursed under your breath as you pressed your palms against your eyes to stop them from falling. You considered yourself pretty tough usually, but right now you felt you had the right to be a bit of a crybaby.

"You scared the hell out of me Sylvain. There was so much blood and I couldn't get it to stop and-"

"Hey, hey, hey. Stop, it's okay. I'm okay." Sylvain carefully pulled you towards him, holding you as a quiet sob slipped past your lips. 

You buried your face against him, not caring about how it must have looked with you nearly in his lap at this point. Sylvain rubbing your back gently the whole time definitely played a part, but a sniffle and a few tears later was all that was needed for you to calm down.

"Gah, sorry." You laughed nervously as you pulled back enough to wipe at your face. "I got your shirt wet."

Sylvain laughed as he looked down and shrugged. "Eh, now we're even from before. Still though, I'm pretty sure you're the only person who goes and gets kidnapped and is more worried about _someone else_ right off the bat. How hard did you hit your head exactly?"

You huffed and pushed at his arm lightly, cheeks reddening a bit in embarrassment from the teasing. "Shut up, I'm allowed to be worried. You went and tried to fight the fucking _Death Knight_. I have worrying rights."

Sylvain shrugged. "It was worth it."

He didn't have an defense or apology for doing something that stupid because he didn't regret it. Not when it meant you made it out relatively okay. Even another minute down in that cell on your own terrified out of your mind was a minute too long for Sylvain's taste.

Your face flushed even more, making you look away so he couldn't see it clearly. (Even though you knew it didn't hide a thing.) 

"Idiot…" You mumbled.

When Sylvain's hands found yours you didn't resist as he pulled you closer once more. It didn't take any convincing for him to settle you so you were under the covers and lying down close to his side.

Maybe it was the concussion or the exhaustion, but for some reason this felt natural. Like you were made to press against his larger frame as if it was a normal thing between the two of you.

You finally dared to peek up at him after a few moments of silence. Half of you had expected him to have fallen back asleep, but instead you saw he was staring out the window with an unreadable expression that you hadn't seen before.

"Sylvain?"

It took him a moment before he blinked and turned to look at you, "Hm?"

"Are you okay?" You asked, eyebrows furrowing. 

"Yeah… I'm just thinking."

You hummed under your breath and tucked yourself back against his chest, figuring if he wanted to voice his thoughts he would when he was ready.

Heat rushed to your face when instead of words you were met with Sylvain rolling onto his side and pulling you even closer without warning.

"S-Sylvain?"

"I thought I was going to lose you."

Your eyes widened as you realized he was shaking. It was a bit difficult to pull your arm out from the squeezed space between the two of you, but you managed to lift a hand to his face and get a good look at him.

"I should have followed you. I should have taken Flayn's disappearance more seriously, you were right. I knew something was off but I didn't do anything about it." Sylvain let out a shaky breath as he tried to recollect himself.

"I don't want to lose you ____. You became too important to me so quickly without me even realizing it."

Your flustered heart was beating hard enough that the possibility of it pounding right out of your chest was very realistic to you in the moment. The way Sylvain's warm brown eyes pulled you in, the sincerity in his voice and the way he kept his arms around your waist. It was enough to make you forget how to breathe.

"Sylvain…"

"Can I kiss you?"

Even more heat rushed to your cheeks as you nodded. The smile you saw spread on his lips was enough to make you melt right there and then. 

A gasp escaped you as he pressed his lips against yours, having all the permission he needed as he pulled you flush against him.

It was like every part of you came alive in the best of ways. One kiss became another, then another as your lips moved against each other gently yet almost desperate at the same time. As if the moment you stopped the other would just disappear.

When you whimpered at the unexpected swipe of Sylvain's tongue across your bottom lip he chuckled against you breathlessly. 

He pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against yours despite the quiet whine of protest that came from you in the process. You let your eyes close and leaned into his touch as he brushed your hair behind your ear, feeling the heaviness of exhaustion tug at you despite wanting to make this moment last.

Sensing the way you relaxed against him and feeling pretty worn out still himself, Sylvain smiled as he pressed another kiss to your lips. "You should get some more sleep."

You shook your head and buried your face against his chest, knowing that even if you tried to stay up it would be in vain. "I'm going to wake up and you'll be gone." You mumbled regrettably, knowing that despite what just happened it was true.

"I won't." Sylvain said quietly.

Doubt told you otherwise, but you couldn't help but ask as you yawned and curled against him a bit more. "Promise?"

Sleep claimed you before you heard him answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *squints* so i reread the fic all the way through for the first time. two questions.
> 
> 1\. does the pacing feel too fast? would you guys like some filler stuff?
> 
> 2\. im def gonna put some more interactions of the reader with other characters. this is less of a question and more of if yall got suggestions or bbs you wanna see feel free to request!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me last chapter: ha wouldn't it be funny if my motivation faltered and i ended up with yet another unfinished multichapter fic  
*new hyperfixation, 4 deadlines, and 5 other fanfictions demanding my attention later*  
me: o-oh no
> 
> im so sorry this took so long yall! 😭 i had the chapter like 85% done but got stuck on one scene then life happened big time. i promise imma do my best to see this through to the end!

Hands pulled at you, dragging you out of your dormitory bed in the middle of the night, outside light streaming in from your window nowhere near enough to help you identify the looming figure above you with demonic red glowing eyes.

_No._

Your small, fragile wrists were held down by adult hands twice the size of yours as needles were injected into your bloodstream countless times. Each more agonizing than the last, the blood reconstruction surgery process too early in its development stages to be completed successfully in one procedure.

_Please…_

Blood smeared across your cheek as Sylvain's hand slipped from your face, landing lifelessly against the cold stone floor beneath him in a pool of his own blood. White, hot magic swirled around your own hands but it wasn't enough. Your hands were shaking, his were too still. It wasn't enough.

Hands pulled at you from behind, trying to pry you away from his body. Classmates, professor, didn't matter. They were taking you away. Pulling, grabbing, tugging. Grasping at you and causing your skin to crawl.

_Stop it…_

Someone carried you. Arms restricting, touching without consent. Taking you somewhere. Always taking you away. Holding you down. Never where you want to be.

_Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! Let go!_

"Let go of me!" You screamed as you thrashed and felt your elbow clip against the solid weight of whoever was holding you.

"Agh!"

The steady grip around you faltered and your eyes squeezed shut as you braced yourself for impact against the ground below, but it never came.

Your eyes fluttered open and you immediately clapped your hands over your mouth with a sharp inhale before gasping out an apology. "Oh, my goddess. Dimitri! I'm so sorry!"

The prince winced as he fought the urge to rub at his chin where you managed to get in a fairly decent hit, he'd have to check on it later when he didn't have both arms full with you. While he _was_ inhumanely strong, it felt wrong to handle you like a sack of potatoes under one arm or anything of the sort. Especially since you were injured.

"It's quite alright ____. I'm sorry if I frightened you. I was asked to bring you back to your room since it was reconditioned and they needed the beds in the infirmary for the returning knights."

Sothis smite you now.

With a groan, you reburied your face in your hands. Of _course_ the first thing you do upon waking up is injure Dimitri of all people. The sweet, albeit ditzy prince who was just trying to help.

"Can you put me down? I can walk and I'm guaranteed to burst into flames if anyone sees you carry me bridal style through the halls with a bruising chin, which by the way, you absolutely are _not_ leaving these halls without letting me heal."

Dimitri chuckled but complied, making sure to let you down slowly and keep an eye out for any sudden dizziness. "Well we very well can't have that. I don't think Sylvain would be particularly thrilled to find out you combusted only moments after him handing you off to me to help you to your room."

At the mention of Sylvain, suddenly everything that happened in the infirmary slammed back into you like a wyvern. Your face flushed as you remembered him kissing you. Falling asleep in his arms, yet waking up in Dimitri's…

"He… asked you to take me? Is he still at the infirmary?" You asked hesitantly as you lifted a slightly glowing hand and healed the small wound. 

The feeling you'd had before you drifted off seemed to be more on the nose than you had hoped, disappointment forming like a ball of lead in the pit of your stomach as Dimitri shook his head.

"No, although the nurses that tend to aid Manuela were somewhat adamant about him not leaving for at least another day."

Noticing the disappointment reflected in your body language, Dimitri cleared his throat before offering, "I was planning on checking on him later if you wanted to come along, although you should probably get some more rest…"

"Oh, no." You blinked. "That's alright, I've already burdened you enough."

"I assure you, it's not a burden at all." Dimitri insisted politely.

You smiled at him, grateful that despite your differences and the fact that you quite literally clocked him in the chin, that somehow the two of you were almost friends. Of course the status differences and everything still hovered over constantly, no matter how much the prince wished they didn't. But even so, just being able to indulge in small talk with each other on the way back to your dorm was plenty enjoyable.

Even with the disappointment clawing at the back of your mind and growing anxiety about Sylvain.

\---

“Sylvain, are you in there? We need to talk.”

...Nothing.

You frowned as your knuckles knocked against the wood of his reinforced, slightly more Ingrid-proof door as you called out again.

“Sylvain?”

Silence met you once more, causing you to sigh before making your way down the carpeted hall. Maybe he was just sleeping off his injury. Even with healing magic it could take a while to recover. That had to be it. There was no way he was avoiding you… right?

…

Oh he was _definitely_ avoiding you.

Missing class and getting assignments from others, training at the most inhuman times to meet his class required quota, grabbing food from the dining hall and hightailing it back to his room or wherever the hell he figured you wouldn’t be able to get to him. The idiotic redhead was pulling out all the stops.

To make matters worse? He didn’t even try to hide it.

Hide from you? Oh, sure. He was going all out, but on the rare occurrences that you somehow _did_ manage to spot him, he would drop everything he was doing and get away as quickly as possible as if he were running from a ghost. An entire week of this bullshit. And you had had enough.

_"Hyah!"_

Anger in your voice reverberated off of the walls in the empty training grounds as you took down yet another practice dummy. How many you had taken down was irrelevant. All that mattered was the blood rushing through your veins and emptiness of your focused mind. 

You huffed and wiped the sweat from your brow with a frown. It wasn't enough. None of your frustrations had been worn down, if anything they'd only become worse. How the hell did training to death work as stress relief for Felix exactly?

"Your form is sloppier than usual and those cuts are pathetically inconsistent. You're distracted."

Speak of the devil.

"I didn't exactly come here to hone my skills." You sighed as you sheathed the training sword you had borrowed from the knight's hall before turning to face the raven haired swordsman.

He watched you with a sharp eye from where he leaned against one of the pillars that surrounded the small training room. Despite his relaxed posture and crossed arms, he looked ready for a fight as usual.

"That much is obvious. It's also obvious that you're letting that insatiable fool get to your head."

You scoffed as you made your way across the room and grabbed the water you'd brought along from the dining hall."More like he's outrunning me. Can't exactly face something head on when that something has freakishly long legs and lots of practice on avoiding people trying to get ahold of him."

"Want me to cut him down a few inches?" Felix smirked without missing a beat.

"Don't tease me. I can't tell if you're serious or not, and regardless he's pissed me off enough that I might just take you up on that offer." You grinned back, actually feeling a bit lighthearted despite everything… For a moment anyways.

Your shoulders slumped as you made your way over to Felix and rested your back against the side of the pillar, letting yourself fall to the floor gracelessly and eyes slip closed as you let your breath even out from all the relentless training.

“This sucks.”

Felix slid down and rested on the floor beside you, frowning as he actually asked the typically expected follow up question, much to your surprise. “What even happened?”

“I thought you didn’t care about this sort of thing.” You commented, eyebrow raised skeptically at the strange interest from Felix in your personal matters.

“I don’t.” He scoffed. “But whatever is going on between the two of you is starting to affect the rest of the class again and it’s irritating. Plus, you’re not the only one he’s dodging. Every time someone tries to pry any information out of that idiot he distances himself. No one else will bother approaching you cause you’re starting to look like a kicked puppy so somehow here I am.”

You winced. Had you really been giving off that impression?

“Sorry…” You mumbled, feeling a bit embarrassed.” Felix sighed, running his fingers through his hair as his frown deepened.

“Don’t apologize.” Felix chided. “Just talk to someone already. The longer he keeps running and you keep chasing, the longer the rest of us have to put up with it.”

You opened your mouth to apologize again on instinct, but the look Felix shot you, knowing full well what you were about to say had you shutting your mouth with a slight clack of your teeth.

A bit of an awkward silence formed between the two of you, Felix looking up at the sky from the constructed gap in the ceiling and you finishing off your water trying to figure out what to say when he eventually beat you to it.

“I’m not good at this sort of thing, but I also can understand to a certain level when it comes to Sylvain. Whatever it is he did this time, if he’s running this much then he knows he fucked up at least.”

“He kissed me.” You admitted without really processing that you’d let the words slip from your lips.

Felix inhaled sharply, opening his mouth to say something before he ran his fingers through his hair _again_ and seemed to take a moment to keep himself exploding before he eventually grit out a simple “What.”

By the time you finished telling Felix everything that had happened, he had pushed himself off of the ground and began pacing restlessly. You’re pretty sure if he had brought one of his swords along with him he would have cut down the remaining dummies that you didn’t already destroy.

“That bastard.” He muttered under his breath after you told him the last of it. “He told me he wouldn’t…”

_Wouldn’t what?_

Before you had the chance to ask Felix what he meant, he whipped his gaze towards you and frowned as he offered his hand to pull you off of the ground. “Do yourself a favor and find a better guy. I can’t promise Sylvain will even be left in one piece once word about this eventually gets out like it always tends to.”

“I wasn’t exactly on a hunt for romance to begin with.” You chuckled dryly as you took his hand and let him help you up. There was no point in denying that he was right, word would eventually spread if it hadn't already. In all honesty you'd bet money on Hilda or Claude already figuring things out as embarrassing as that was.

Even if Felix didn’t really have any words of comfort, the fact that he had listened to you and actually came to the training grounds to check on you was more than you would have ever expected in itself from the swordsman.

“Good. That frivolous bullshit is overrated anyways.” Felix nodded approvingly. 

“You say that and yet when it comes to Annet-”

Felix’s face flushed and he almost dropped you as he hissed. “_Don’t_ mention her- that. Fucking.. dammit.”

You laughed a bit more genuinely as Felix crossed his arms and pointedly looked away from you, “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

Felix huffed and shook his head, “Whatever. Anyways, what I was going to say was that you should forget about Sylvain and just go spend time with the others or something. He wasn’t the only one worried when you disappeared.”

"Aww, Felix! You _do_ care. And here I thought we'd never make it past classmate acquaintance level." 

This time when you grinned it was far more sincere and only grew as Felix's face flushed as he grabbed your discarded training sword and decided to go after the training dummies after all.

"Ugh, this is exactly what I was talking about. You sound too much like that idiot already."

\---

Deciding to make good on the pep talk you got from Felix, you decided to ask around and see if anyone wanted to go to town for a change of pace. Luckily, you could always count on Annette and Ashe to spend time with. Plus there was a little spot Ashe had found that the three of you had planned on going to sometime anyway.

"I'm so glad we finally got to come out here," Annette hummed with pleasure as she took a bite out of her pastry. "I feel like we've talked about this café for ages. It was worth the wait at least!"

"That's true," You agreed, sipping on a mint blend similar to the one Ashe had introduced you to back at the monastery. To say you had become a little addicted to the calming tea was a bit of an understatement. "I like it here. Although nothing will ever beat the sweets you make with Mercedes."

"Oh for sure," Ashe chipped in before Annette could deny anything. Her face flushed at the compliments as she swatted at the two of you over the arrangement of snacks on the table.

"Shush, you guys! That is so not true. Plus, what if the owners overhear you?"

"Then we'll ask if they're hiring in your favor," You laughed as she stuffed a muffin in her face to keep herself from yelling.

"Speaking of your sweets though, I've noticed you've been making them a bit different lately," Ashe pointed out, frowning as he tried to think. "I couldn't quite figure out what it was you changed but there was a notable difference in the scones you left out the other night."

"Oh?" The way Annette's face bloomed into a deeper scarlet was all it took to egg you on as you shot her a shit-eating grin while asking Ashe, "They wouldn't perhaps be less sweet would they?"

"Ashe!" Annette whined as she buried her face in her hands. "Those were just a test batch! A horrible, miserable, stupid test batch. No one was supposed to eat those!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Ashe quickly tried to remedy the situation. "I didn't know."

"She's just embarrassed someone caught her making sweets for Felix," You smirked knowingly as you reached for one of the muffins in front of Annette.

The redhead peeked through her fingers and swatted away your hand from the snacks, ignoring your startled yelp as she frowned.

"Nope! People who tease don't get sweets. You're banned from the muffins. _And_ the cookies."

"Boo," You complained as you stung your tongue out at her and rubbed the back of your hand. For someone so dainty, Annette was surprisingly brutal with those little hands of hers. "You say that and yet Felix gets- _Hmmph!"_

Annette stuffed a muffin in your mouth, cutting you off completely. "I changed my mind! You can have all the sweets you want. Just stop talking. Please, I'm going to literally die."

Ashe chuckled as he watched you try to down the entire muffin that was forced into your mouth. He poured you some more tea, which you accepted gratefully.

"Alright, alright. Fine. No more Felix talk," You relented after you washed down the rest of the muffin.

"Good," Annette nodded before a mischievous grin of her own came into play. "Maybe we can talk about you and Sylvain instead."

Now it was _your_ cheeks that were burning. Whether it was from embarrassment or anger at the man in question was up for debate. But it was most likely a mix of both.

"There's nothing to talk about," You mumbled a bit dejectedly as you looked down at your cup.

Annette immediately picked up the change and felt awful for bringing up a subject she didn't realize was so sore. Ashe did as well, wincing a bit as he hesitantly asked, "What exactly happened with the two of you? Things have been strange since we rescued you and the others."

You bit your lip, feeling bad for ruining the lighthearted mood. But these were your friends, one look up at them was all it took to remind you that they asked because they cared. And if Ashe could open up about Dedue then you could tell them about Sylvain.

There wasn't any sort of pressure and you knew they would drop the subject if you asked. But you felt like you owed it to them to tell them what happened.

"Well…"

By the time you told them everything, the tea had gone cold and most of the snacks had been finished off.

"I just think that I got ahead of myself," you sighed with a sad smile.

"I shouldn't have gone thinking I was special, y'know? He's always gone from girl to girl, I did this to myself more than anything."

"That doesn't make it hurt any less though…" Ashe said quietly, eyes distance as his mind briefly wandered to a certain somehow that he too, had gotten his hopes up about despite knowing just how the other man was.

"Yeah…" You agreed.

Annette pulled you into a hug that you returned gratefully, letting her give you a tight squeeze before she pulled away.

"Boy are stupid and weird," She finally said with a frown before blinking and turning to Ashe. "Well, _most_ boys."

Ashe chuckled a bit and shook his head, "I mean, you're not wrong. I take no offense, although admittedly Sylvain is a… special case."

You snorted, "Ain't that the truth."

"Thank you for listening guys, and for coming out and doing this. I had a lot of fun just spending time together. Plus I think getting out of the monastery helped clear my head a bit."

"Of course ____. You're our friend, we like spending time with you," Annette smiled.

Friends. What a wild concept. If someone had told you that you would have such amazing friends, going through the worst in life and the best together back when you lived at home, you wouldn't have believed it. Only the goddess knew what it was you had done to be so lucky, because you didn't have a clue.

The sun had begun to set by the time the three of you left the café, all agreeing you should come back together sometime. Annette mentioned needing to run a couple errands before the market closed. You and Ashe offered to help, but she insisted she'd be fine. (She also just didn't trust herself to get too many things if she had extra hands to carry bags.)

So the two of you started to head back, chatting about classes and the such when a flash of red hair caught the corner of your eye.

Unfortunately, it drew Ashe's attention as well. He lifted a hand and called out with a wave once he confirmed that the person was one of their classmates.

"Sylvain! Oh wait… _Oh! _Goddess, um…"

Ashe seemed to have realized his mistake, but it was far too late. The damage had been done.

Your heart leapt to your throat as you suddenly forgot how to breathe in the most painful of ways.

Sure enough, when you turned around Sylvain was just across the path, but he wasn't alone. Because _of course_ he wasn't alone.

Some beautiful woman was literally wrapped around his finger, pressed flush against him and blushing with a grin as he leaned down and whispered something in her ear as his hand trailed down her back. Whatever he had been saying to her seemed to take priority over acknowledging Ashe, because he finished with a wink before he _finally_ looked up to wave at his classmate.

Not that Ashe's attention was on the other man at this point. He was more focused on you as he bit his lip and glanced at you worriedly. "____, are you okay?"

Ashe’s voice snapped you out of your daze just in time for Sylvain's gaze to lock with yours. His eyes widened, jaw dropping slightly, much like the location of his hand that had lowered to the small of the random woman's back just moments prior.

You saw him mouth your name just before your vision blurred from tears you absolutely _refused_ to shed in front of the insatiable bastard.

"I'm sorry Ashe. I have to go." You muttered as you turned sharp on your heel and made for the monastery.

The sound of Ashe stopping Sylvain when the playboy tried to follow and arguing voices barely registered as your pace quickened. 

And this time, it was Sylvain’s turn to be ignored when he called out after you and you kept walking without acknowledging a thing.

\---

_Knock knock knock._

“Come on ____, I know you’re in there. Can you please just talk to me? I’m sorry."

“Go away.” You yelled at him, knowing that even with your face shoved into a pillow he could definitely hear you.

“I just want to talk ____. I'm not leaving until you open the door."

White hot rage filled your veins as you pushed yourself off of your bed and unlocked the door, yanking it open so fast that Sylvain actually jumped.

“Oh you do _not_ get to pull that bullshit with me Sylvain. You don’t get to dodge me like the fucking plague for over a week then come crawling over here like I owe you the time of fucking day.”

Sylvain winced, knowing that the anger was well deserved. “I know, I know. I’m sorry I just-”

“You just _what_. Finally felt maybe just a little guilty when I finally caught you flirting with another person after the shit you pulled? It was going to happen eventually, obviously. Why do you care now that it actually has?”

When you were met with nothing but silence, it somehow stung more than any bullshit lie he could have come up with if he had actually tried.

“Just get the hell out of here.” You laughed, voice hollow. “You made your point. We have nothing to do with each other anymore. Go back to chasing after girls or whatever the hell it is you want. I don’t care.”

Before you had the chance to close the door, Sylvain’s hand stopped it, only causing you to push harder with a frustrated growl.

“I fucked up.” He finally admitted. “I was scared and confused and a fucking _idiot_ and I dealt with it the way I always do. I ran away, flirted, and put my foot in my mouth like a fucking dumbass.”

“I told myself I didn’t want to lose you and the first thing I did when I got you back was push you away like a fucking moron and I’m so sorry ____.”

Your grip on the door faltered and it took everything in you not to cave the second you looked up at him and saw the regret in his eyes. 

“It’s too late to say sorry Sylvain. Even if I wasn’t in this emotionally fucked state after everything that happened, this still would have been too much. You just used me and threw me away like I was nothing. And I fell for it.” You laughed again, cursing yourself for the heat of tears that pricked at the corner of your eyes.

“I _knew_.” You grit out. “I knew when I woke up you would be gone. But I let it happen because I… I thought… _Fuck. _Why do I keep letting myself believe that I might actually matter to you?”

“Because you do.” Sylvain immediately pleaded. “And I am fucking _horrible_ at showing it."

Silence stretched between the two of you as you failed to find the words to respond to that.

"Please, just.. let me in."

The pressure Sylvain had pressed against the door lessened enough that if you really wanted to, you could slam it closed and that would be the end of it. But you didn't want to.

With a sigh, you let your hand slip from the door and made your way back to the bed without a word. The silent click of the door closing behind you followed by Sylvain's weight on the bed joining you a moment after you sat on the edge was the only indication that he had followed without you looking back at him.

It only took him a minute to consider his words before he started slowly, knowing that even without your acknowledgement you were keenly listening.

"When you were taken by the Death Knight I was terrified. The professor and Felix found me losing my absolute shit in here because I couldn't handle seeing the blood on your desk. I couldn't handle the idea of you being ripped away, just like that."

"I think I might be falling for you ____. And I can't do that. I shouldn't have kissed you. I gave in like an idiot because when I woke up you were there and _safe_ it felt like the world was okay again."

"Sylvain…" Your eyes widened as you looked up at him and saw how much he actually meant what he just said. He smiled weakly at you but it almost looked more like a wince as he groaned and ran his fingers through his hair before he spoke almost more to himself than you.

"I don't want to lose you. Why am I so afraid of losing something that I don't even have?"

"Are you really that dense?" You laughed quietly. "Sylvain _I said yes._ You've had me for longer than you realize you big dummy. Why can't you realize that?"

"I…" He hesitated, looking away guilty.

“Why can’t you just be honest with me?" You asked, growing frustrated. He was going to try to run again. "Why can't you be honest with _yourself?”_

“Because I _am_ being honest with myself.” Sylvain laughed emptily. “With my crest, I know I couldn’t pursue something real even if I wanted to… Even though I do.”

“Sylvain, your crest doesn’t define you. How many times do I have to-”

“But it does ___!" He finally snapped. "It always has and I know you have one too. That noble asshole mentioned it when Thea and I were listening in last month."

You opened your mouth to retort when you blinked. “Wait, Dorothea was there?”

“Yeah, but she snuck off before you turned around and caught me." Sylvain sighed. "My point is, you’re a noble with a crest too. Don’t you get that it’s not as simple as just cutting your own path?”

“But it can be!”

“Oh yeah?" Sylvain challenged with an empty bark of laughter. "How well did that work for my brother?”

The image of Sylvain ripping a lance out of his brother’s demonically warped body flashed through your mind, only to be replaced with the memory of Zera’s blood on your hands and the sounds of your own screaming.

“Sylvain what happened with Miklan was different. You _know _that.”

He looked almost like he was seeing through you before he shrugged. “Does it matter? It doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have the right to complain or make things different for myself. Not in the way I want to anyways.”

“That’s bullshit.” You muttered.

“____-”

“No, that’s fucking bullshit!" You snapped as you surged forward and stood so you were above him. "You don’t get to say that just because someone else had it worse than. That you just have to accept the shitty life you were given because others went through worse. You don’t get to say that to _me_ of all people Sylvain. You don’t.”

Sylvain opened his mouth to fight back, but you cut him off. “If you honestly believe that a person is obligated to live that sort of life under those conditions then say it to my face. Tell _me_ that. Because every day of my life is me walking a path I don’t deserve.” 

Sylvain was confused and offended, but before he had the chance to say something he was hit with a whole new wave of shock as you began to unbutton your shirt furiously.

"_-____ what the hell are you-"

"Stop talking for _once_ in your life." You grit out as you turned around and pulled your hair back before tossing your shirt to the side to show him exactly what you meant.

You heard the sharp inhale and the murmur of Sylvain muttered "Holy shit." before he clamped a hand over his own mouth and took in the sight in front of him.

The crest of Dominic was branded on your back, just below your shoulder blades, framed by dozens of smaller scars that almost looked like tally marks.

Sylvain's hand reached out towards you only to stop halfway before he pulled his arm back entirely.

"What happened?" He breathed shakily, too many emotions caught in his throat at once. "Who did this to you?"

You let your hair cascade down your back once more and moved to pick up your shirt off the ground, doing your best not to accidentally flash Sylvain as you spoke after a moment to prepare yourself emotionally.

"My family. The lady of the household couldn't have children but it didn't matter much because the lord- my _father_ managed to knock up one of the maids."

Sylvain watched as you kept your back to him and worked to put your shirt back on.

"They took me from her the second I was born. I don't know what happened to her. I just know I was raised as the daughter of the house until I was old enough for the experiments to begin."

Once you were presentable again, you sat down beside him again and continued, eyes slightly clouded over. "They handed me off to these… people. They didn't even look human, it terrified me. There were dozens of other children, some noble, some not. They kept us in cages. It was clear we were the early stage of their fucked up research. _Expendable_." You laughed mirthlessly as you shook your head.

"My unbiological mother's last wish before she passed was that if they were to be stuck with an heir that wasn't their own, that it should have at least been useful enough to have a crest. Bring something of value to the house in exchange for the _honor_ of living life as a noble."

When Sylvain wordlessly pulled you towards his side you didn't resist. Instead you leaned against him and stared ahead blankly. It felt like a time to cry, but any tears you had about the matter fell on deaf ears and cold stone floors many years ago. Now you just felt empty.

“I lost the most important person I’ve known in my life in that prison. She died trying to get us out. I lived when nobody was supposed to survive at all." You admitted quietly after several minutes of silence passed.

Sylvain watched as you sat up and met his gaze with a knowing, yet guarded look. "Do you still want to stand there and tell me that survivor’s guilt should define someone’s path and tie them down to a life of misery?”

“I…" He hesitated, darting his eyes to the side as he shifted uncomfortably. "It’s different.”

“It’s really not.” You reprimanded him gently, knowing that it was harder to accept something was okay for yourself in opposition to accepting it was okay for another.

“You deserve to be happy ___.”

His words caught you a bit off guard, but you felt accepted nonetheless.

“So do you, idiot.” You quipped back with a soft, playful smirk as you bumped into his shoulder.

It lightened the mood for a moment, but only so before you bit your lip. "I'm sorry for snapping at you… I didn't mean to invalidate what you've been through with my own personal shit. I know you've had it hard Sylvain-"

"Nope, no. None of that." He cut you off with a frown as he flicked your forehead, ignoring your yelp and the glare you shot him as you rubbed at the spot. "Honestly after everything you just told me, I'm surprised you didn't bite my head off sooner. Me and my big whiny mouth really don't have anything worse than that, you were right."

"_No_ I wasn't." You said as you tried to flick him back only for him to move out of the way in time much to your chagrin. "It's not a contest of who had the shittier crest inflicted childhood Sylvain. You suffered, I suffered. And in a perfect world, I wish neither of us had."

"Yeah, I do too…" He sighed as he glanced out your window. The sun had already begun to set and he hadn't even noticed. Apparently heavy conversations made time fly by like it was nothing.

"Can you give me some time?"

You blinked, and tore your gaze away from the window that you had glanced out of as well to look back at Sylvain. The serious look on his face from before that you'd only seen the time right before he kissed you was back. Thoughtful, determined, but a little scared too.

"About uh, the stuff from earlier." He said a bit awkwardly with a slight flush blooming on his cheeks as he rubbed the back of his neck.

In all honesty you had gotten so sidetracked by the argument about crests that you had forgotten about the original reason the two of you were having this conversation in the first place.

"Oh." You said dumbly, feeling a bit foolish for forgetting something that had been driving so crazy all week.

"I just-" He started, only to stop himself with a frown and try again. "I feel like I still have a lot to figure out about all this. The crest stuff, Miklan, you, and well just… _everything_. It's a lot to unpack." He chuckled a bit nervously.

You nodded understandingly as you placed your hand over his. "Honestly, yeah. It is. And I get that Sylvain, I really do."

The awed look on his face was enough to make you smile and squeeze his hand once with an assuring smile before you placed yours back in your lap.

"Take your time. And if _this,_" You gestured between the two of you, trying your best to make light of it so you didn't burst into embarrassed flames. "turns out to be something you don't want then that's okay. It'll suck and take time for me to get over, but I won't ditch you for it. Just talk to me, yeah? No more running away."

Sylvain nodded, "No more running. I promise."

"Good." You smiled, kicking at his leg lightly before you started to tug at your covers.

"Now get out of here. I need to hibernate for the next five years. All this emotional stuff is exhausting and I've definitely been ignoring the whole 'don't strain yourself' thing with recovering from my injuries."

Sylvain laughed as he moved over, "Honestly same here. Running around the monastery for a week is surprisingly horrible for a recovering slash to the stomach. Who would've thought?"

"Gee, wonder how that could've been avoided." You teased as you rolled your eyes.

It felt nice being able to go back to bantering with Sylvain like this. Everything was still processing for the both of you but this was good. And based on the flash of a content smile that passed over on Sylvain's lips, it was safe to say he was thinking the same thing.

"You can crash here for the night if you want to." You suggested with a shrug. "But only because you're injured and the trip back to your dorm from mine is a long one. No funny business."

Sylvain clapped a hand over his chest in mock offense, "Me, funny business? That hurts, since when have I ever been known to be such a skirt chaser?"

You snorted and shook your head as you slipped under the covers and scooted over so you were pressed against the wall. "You are such a fucking dork."

"Guilty as charged." He shrugged with a grin before settling in beside you, taking up your offer from before. He was tired, but in all honesty he just didn't want to leave.

Once the two of you were completely settled you wasted no time in curling up against him and closing your eyes with a content sigh, ready to be dead to the world for a solid day at least now that you could sleep soundly. A few moments of silence passed before Sylvain broke the silence uncertainly.

"And you promise you're okay with this?" he asked, pulling back enough to look down at you uncertainly.

"I'd have kicked you out by now if I wasn't." You cracked one eye open long enough to shoot him an unimpressed look before curling into him a bit more with a huff.

"That's true." He laughed as he lifted his arm long enough for you to get comfortable before laying it over your side.

This time, when you fell asleep in his arms you felt safe. Like he'd be there when you woke up and from there on after.

As your breathing evened out and you stilled with slumber, Sylvain watched quietly before slowly reaching out and tucking a stray lock of hair behind your ear.

He wouldn't fuck this up again. He couldn't.

Things about your past were starting to make a lot more sense and he chided himself for not figuring things out sooner. But you trusted him. You let him in and showed him a part of you that as much as he wished didn't exist, was grateful you were able to trust him with.

Sylvain pressed a kiss to the temple of your forehead and pulled you closer. He would protect you. From your family, the Death Knight, and whoever the hell did those things to you as a child. There was no way in hell he was going to let you go without a fight. 

You were willing to wait for him and that in itself had him feeling all sorts of things he never thought he would actually experience for himself. Even if he stumbled, he knew you cared about _him_ as a person enough to still be there and help him when he fell. Sylvain wanted to be that person for you too.

For the first time in his life he felt like he could actually change if he put his mind to it. That maybe, just maybe, he was allowed that much.

You had opened his eyes so much and been there for him despite everything. Somehow you saw past all his bullshit and still wanted to stay. 

In all honesty? It didn't surprise him at all just how hard he had fallen. The only thing he's surprised about is that it didn't happen sooner.


	11. Chapter 11

The sharp melodic tones of brass music being played from the cliff-side above Gronder Field cut through the tense air like a knife. Each house leader stepped forward, Claude choosing to say nothing as he observed the other two with a challenging smirk.

You took a deep breath as your fellow students moved to the formation the professor briefed everyone on before heading out to the field. There were at least a hundred people out here, students and soldiers alike, yet a pin dropping would be louder than the whispers passing in the wind.

"You should all know... I am not about to go easy on you today."

Dimitri's voice rang through the field clear and true, setting your nerves on fire with anticipation.

Edelgard began to speak to her faction, but her words were lost to you as Sylvain nudged you with his free arm, his horse's reins in his other hand. “You ready for the big battle?”

You noticed Ingrid scoff somewhere off behind you, but you simply rolled your eyes as you leaned towards him and spoke under your breath. “I thought you weren’t interested in this sort of thing.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that." Sylvain grinned, lowering his voice knowing that Ingrid would personally march over and pummel him for his insolence. "I'm no Felix, but even I can appreciate the thrill of battle on occasion.”

You rolled your eyes and smirked fondly, “Oh please, you’re just trying to show off in front of all the girls.”

Sylvain snorted, instantly covering his mouth as Dimitri glimpsed over his shoulder and shot him a look. “Normally I’d say you caught me, but nah… Not this time anyway.”

Heat rushed to your cheeks as he glanced at you, a look in his eye that you’d never seen on his face before. Like the two of you were in on some sort of secret joke, yet it was also a fragile secret. Fond, amused even, but careful.

“W-Well,” You stammered as you tried to redirect your focus on the orders being given by the professor towards the front of the group. “Then maybe this time around you won’t get scolded too harshly for messing around before the battle.”

“Here’s hoping,” Sylvain nodded, biting his lip as he leaned towards you and asked under his breath. “Uh, by the way… Speaking of the battle and all its pomp and circumstance. There’s the ball coming up and I was wondering if-”

“Let the battle of the Lion and Eagle begin!” Seteth voice rang true over the field, cutting through Sylvain’s whispered words like a sternly scolding blade.

You shot Sylvain a sympathetic smile, “Later, yeah? Don’t die or anything. Can’t leave a girl hanging like that.” You joked, pulling out your sword as you moved to join the fray.

“Yeah, right. Not like there’s much of a chance considering this is a mock, but same to you.” Sylvain said as he mounted his horse and ordered his troupe to follow his lead according to plan.

With that the two of you parted ways, the calvier unit charging to the West, while you protected Annette and the other mages who began to make their way not too far North from their starting position. The plan was to focus on defending against the Golden Deer while putting just enough pressure on the Black Eagles to give their enemies the impression they could easily pin them in a corner, before switching tactics altogether to throw them off balance.

There were a few road-bumps along the way, but for the most part everything went according to plan. Dimitri hadn’t been counting on Claude to be so bold in sending Lysithea to the front lines. With the young mage tearing apart their armored units, the Golden Deer were able to cut a path to the center of the field in no time.

Somehow the professor had managed to account for the unexpected twist by ordering you and Felix to protect Annette and lead her toward the center platform as well, deviating from the original plan entirely. The order had been given before Lysithea even took out the first unit, but it was clearly the right call. 

The fight between Annette and Lysithea’s magic was enough to wipe out the foot soldiers standing too close as dark magic clashed with blasts of wind and ice. You would have gotten swept away yourself if you hadn’t grabbed Felix’s outstretched hand as he clung to the sword he jammed between the boards of the platform.

He cursed under his breath as stray shards of ice cut at his face and your exposed arms. He grit his teeth as he warned you quickly, “On my mark, let go and get down."

You nodded, not sure what he expected to pull off with a sword in winds this strong. You steeled yourself to trust in whatever Felix had in mind, as his grip on his sword tightened. “Ready?”

“Now!” He shouted as he released your hand. You ducked down and clung to the platform as well as you could. The crackling of electricity in the air made your hair stand up on end and you looked up just in time to see a bolt of lightning shoot from Felix’s hands as he let go of his sword.

Lysithea screamed as the blast hit her, unable to dodge the unexpected attack in time. Annette turned slowly, eyes wide as she looked at Felix who wasted no time in prying his sword out of the platform as he caught his breath.

“Since when could you do _that?!_” She asked with an awed smile creeping onto her lips.

Felix rolled his eyes as he tossed a vulnerary to Annette, “Since you wouldn’t stop badgering me to give reason lessons a shot. Now less talking, more fighting.”

You mentally wondered if getting Felix a Levin Sword was in the class budget, as you pushed yourself off the ground. Felix quickly helped you up and the three of you made quick work of the rest of the Black Eagle’s remaining forces in the near South. 

Once the platform was secured, Annette regrouped with Dedue and Mercedes, leaving you and Felix fighting back to back as more of the remaining Golden Deer forces came in from behind.

You heard Flayn shout something behind you, but before you could turn to see if your new classmate needed help you were met with a blast of fire magic, just barely missing your face by a few inches. The heat was enough to make you flinch and step back, twisting your ankle slightly as you shouted in surprise. “_Shit!”_

The soldier you had been keeping off of Felix’s back took the chance to charge in, giving up on getting to Felix in exchange for taking you out before you could regain your footing.

An arrow barely missed your head, but the archer's aim hit true as a soldier was hit in the chest. You looked over your shoulder and shot a grateful smile at Ashe before charging ahead to catch up with Felix and Dimitri who had just finished taking out the last of the Golden Deer’s troops.

Nearly all the Black Eagles had been taken care of by the time the professor reached the front lines. All that was left was to support the professor as they headed straight for Edelgard. 

A quick look around as the enemy numbers thinned significantly confirmed what you had been wondering. With Dimitri’s monster strength, the Professor’s tactics and the Sword of the Creator on your side, not a single student from your class had fallen in the battle. It almost felt as if the Goddess herself was watching over your class.

Hubert remained as diligent as ever, barely batting an eye as Ingrid and Sylvain took down Ferdinand and the last of his calvier unit. The dark mage stayed by Edelgard’s side and nearly took out Mercedes, but ultimately got taken down when Flayn swooped in from behind with a surprise attack that timed with an arrow from Ashe that clipped Hubert in the shoulder.

Finally, despite the intense fight Edelgard put up, Byleth and Dimitri took her down together. She had nearly taken out Dimitri, but once Byleth’s sword whipped out and knocked the shield from Edelgard’s grasp it was over.

For one brief moment, time itself seemed to stop as an all consuming silence enveloped the field. Only the panting breaths of those who still remained and the insistent howling of the wind filled your ears until finally, Seteth stepped forward and announced with a booming voice, "And the winners of this year's Battle of the Eagle and Lion are... the Blue Lions!"

Sylvain was the first to break the silence, letting out a loud whoop that startled his horse. A laugh bubbled out of you as your eyes met Mercedes's who grinned back at you as she wiped sweat and dirt from her brow.

"We did it."

\----

"No, no, no. I never agreed to this, you guys said I was just here for moral support," Ingrid insisted as she backed away from Hilda. With the way she was eyeing the glittery dresses in Hilda's hand and the make-up brushes Mercedes was laying out, you'd think she was looking at some sort of horrifying collection of torture equipment.

"Oh come on now Ingrid, don't be like that," Hilda pouted, lowering her hands enough for colorful fabric to bunch at her feet. "It's not like we get to do something like this often. Plus there's gotta be someone you want to impress... or rather, two someones." She added with a knowing grin.

Ingrid's face flushed as she crossed her arms and pointedly looked away, praying to the goddess in the back of her mind that Dorothea didn't hear that. Of course, how could she when she was in the next room over? 

The dorm rooms weren't exactly big enough to host all three houses worth of girls, so they had to make do and split up. Still though, Ingrid was allowed to be paranoid.

"Look I just don't do... _this_," Ingrid said as she gestured vaguely to her surroundings. "I've never been the girly type. I'm not like you guys."

For a brief moment, a flash of vulnerability passed over the blonde's features and it was enough for Hilda to pick up on, even if Marianne hadn't placed a gentle hand on her arm as warning not to take things too far.

"Well, just because you're not the feminine type, doesn't mean that you shouldn't dress up," Hilda sighed as she turned to hang the dresses she had picked out back in the closet filled with countless gowns. She'd specifically asked her brother to send the best of her personal collection from home to share with the others. She had also made custom accessories for each of her friends, but hadn't had the chance to give everyone theirs yet.

She hummed with a frown as she looked over her wardrobe for a moment before an idea caused her to clap her hands together with a grin. “Oh, of course!”

Not giving any explanation regarding whatever idea popped in her head, Hilda beamed at Ingrid. "Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.”

Ingrid cringed as Hilda ran out of the room with a look she didn’t quite trust before it was possible to stop her. “I’m going to regret staying, aren’t I?”

“I don’t think so…” you hummed as you looked between the two dresses Hilda had thrown your way upon entering. “She has a really good eye for this sort of thing. Plus I don’t think she’ll force you to wear anything that'll make you uncomfortable.”

Before Ingrid could respond, Hilda’s voice from the other room cut her off as she called out, “____, Annette! Can you come here? I need a favor.”

You shot Ingrid a sympathetic smile before stepping out to see what Hilda wanted. When you stepped into the room, you immediately noted Dorothea barely containing herself from bursting into a laughing fit while she tried to do Linhardt’s makeup as he napped on the bed. 

The tired boy was surrounded with dresses and the such, but it was clear he hardly minded. On the contrary, he actually went as far as to burrow himself underneath all the fabrics as if they were blankets. It was adorable.

“What’s up?” You asked, tearing your eyes away from the amusing scene to look between Hilda and Annette, who seemed a bit anxious.

“I need you two to go raid Felix’s closet,” Hilda said as she grabbed a box of pins from the desk, a pair of dark green pants folded over her arm. “I think I’ve got a good blouse, but I need a blazer."

She lifted the pants on her arm, "Try to match this if you can, mkay?”

You blinked, while Annette just whined, “Hildaaaa! I _really_ don’t think this is a good idea. He’ll be so mad at us if he finds out.”

Hilda shrugged and rolled her eyes, “Oh please, there’s no way he’d get mad at _you_ Ann.”

Annette sputtered, face growing red as Mercedes laughed and chimed in, “Oh, it’s true though, Annie. He has such a soft spot for you.”

“That’s it!” Annette burst as she spun on you and grabbed your wrist. Any surprised objections fell on deaf ears as she dragged you towards the door. “We’re leaving! Come on ____, let’s just get this done.”

\----

“Ohh, this is such a bad idea,” Annette complained as she worried her lip between her teeth.

“It’ll be okay,” You tried to comfort her as you placed a hand on her shoulder. “If it helps, I can stand guard while you try to find something. Do it for Ingrid, yeah?”

“Right…” Annette sighed before perking up a bit in attempts to motivate herself. “Do it for Ingrid. I can do that.”

You chuckled to yourself as she finally slipped into Felix's room. "Here's hoping she finds something."

All was quiet other than the occasional sounds of muffled voices coming through the walls… _and_ the sounds of Annette rummaging not-so-subtly through Felix's room. Everyone must still be getting ready.

Just as your mind started to wander, Sylvain’s door suddenly opened, startling you as he poked his head out. “Felix, you said you were going to come back from training _early_. Making me wait an hour is not ear– _Oh_. ____? What are you doing outside of Felix’s room?”

“Keeping watch,” You smirked, doing a small salute. “We’re on a mission from Hilda, important stuff. Super top secret.”

Sylvain snorted, “Do I even want to ask?”

“I just said it's a secret!” You laughed. “What kind of guard would give away-”

A crash from inside Felix’s room followed by a yelp cut you off and caused you both to look at the closed door.

“Is Annette in there?”

“Yup,” You sighed as you knocked on the door. “You okay in there?”

“Y-Yeah! So don’t come in! _Do not._ I got this under control. Just—_agh,_ give me a minute!”

You and Sylvain shot each other a look before chuckling under your breath. “We’re supposed to be raiding Felix’s closet for something Ingrid can wear to the ball.”

“Ah,” Sylvain nodded. “Fair enough.”

“Speaking of the ball though…” He started, rubbing at his neck. “I was wondering if you uh, wanted to-”

“Okay, got it!” Annette beamed as she threw open the door, with a few different pieces of clothing bundled in her arms. You looked over her shoulder and could just barely begin to make out what looked to be the result of a typhoon wreaking havoc on Felix’s room, but before you could see too much, Annette kicked the door shut behind her with a forced grin.

You quirked an eyebrow at her as she tried to hide the fact that she was slightly out of breath.

"Don’t worry about it.” She reassured you meekly, before changing the subject as quickly as she could. “Anyway! We should really get back. The ball is in a couple of hours and we still have so much work to do. I think Hilda plans on sewing some stuff to whichever one of these she picks.”

“Oh boy, Felix is _not_ gonna like that,” You shook your head, already imagining him fighting the urge to kill a fellow student for cloth-altering transgressions.

“Can confirm, he will definitely not like that,” Sylvain laughed, his mind going to similar places that yours had been. “I’ll probably be the one having to hold him back once he notices.”

Annette groaned as you chuckled under your breath, glancing at Sylvain. “We’ll be counting on you to keep us alive through the night then.”

“Right about that, I was gonna ask-”

“Sorry Sylvain!” Annette cut in, shuffling the clothes in her arms. “But we should really get going, we’ve got a lot to get done before the ball.”

“See you at the class meeting before the ball?” You grinned sheepishly, feeling bad that you had to bolt.

“I…” Sylvain paused before the uncertainty was replaced with a found smile. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you later ____.”

You shot him an apologetic smile before following after Annette. 

Sylvain groaned once you were around the corner and out of sight, turning to rest his forehead against the wall as he cursed under his breath. “Goddess damn it.”

\---

Sylvain bit his lip as he paced in front of the Blue Lions classroom, where they all had agreed to meet before heading to the ball. The other guys were inside, but he had made some bullshit excuse about needing air and slipped out into the courtyard without much protest. He needed to think… a.k.a. _panic._

_What if you had moved on? It had nearly been a month since the two of you talked things over. It was possible! Or what if he screwed everything up and you were mad at him because he didn't ask you to the dance? You had said you were okay with waiting, but goddess what if-_

All of Sylvain's thoughts stuttered to a halt as the sound of voices approaching echoed off the stone walls. Voices he recognized, but most importantly he heard the melodic sound of your laughter floating over it all.

He didn't necessarily mean to hide, but his body moved without a second thought. The voices grew even closer and then got quieter as they passed through the open double doors to the classroom, closing them to keep the cold air out once everyone was in.

Sylvain groaned and let his head thump against the pillar he hid behind. Welp. There went his chance to pull you aside before Dimitri's speech. Or at least that was what he had thought until— 

"You know, you're not very good at hiding."

Sylvain felt his heart leap in his chest, startled by your voice. He opened his mouth to say something as he stepped out of his hiding spot when suddenly he lost all capability of speaking.

Your hair was half pinned back with a hair stick he could see peeking out past your curled locks. Twinkling clear and dark blue beads hung from the end of the accessory with a glass moon hanging at the end of the stringed piece. It was something so simple, yet it matched the dress you wore perfectly. And dear goddess, _the dress._

It was almost as if someone had discovered how to take the night sky and spin it into fabric and it fitted you perfectly. The top of your dress was a simple halter neckline that ended just below your navel with detailed gold leaf branches that framed your waist flatteringly. Countless stars shone against deep, nearly black, blue fabric that flowed freely with each movement sparkled under the moonlight. You were breathtaking.

"Sylvain... You're staring," You flushed under his gaze.

"Wh– _O-Oh,_ sorry," He stumbled, shutting his mouth before he made a bigger fool of himself. 

He hadn't even realized he'd been gaping so shamelessly. That's embarrassing. "You just, um, you look nice."

You chuckled and tucked a strand of hair behind your own ear as you looked away, failing to hide your smile completely. "Smooth. It's good to know our resident playboy has such an extensive vocabulary when it comes to complimenting women."

Somehow the banter still managed to come to you naturally, despite nothing about this situation being normal You felt self-conscious, yet weirdly empowered at the same time. Sylvain had been reduced to a stuttering blushing mess and _you _did that. There was some sort of satisfaction that came from knowing that as you watched him try to figure out how to properly speak again with a fond grin.

"Sorry it's just... I've never really done this before," Sylvain laughed as he rubbed at the back of his neck. "I know I've seen a lot of girls dressed up and stuff but I've never reacted like uh, this."

You hummed as you closed the distance and reached up, noting the way the taller man inhaled sharply as your hands reached up and stopped at his chest. He watched with bated breath as you straightened his slightly wrinkled top, feeling a shiver run through his body as you smirked up at him through painted lashes.

"Is that your way of telling me I'm special?" You teased.

In all honesty, you didn't expect much of a response. While it was fun riling up Sylvain a bit, you didn't expect anything more than some sort of banter. What happened instead contrasted your expectations entirely.

Before your hands could fall from his readjusted clothing, one of his hands caught yours.

Your face flushed as his thumb swiped over the top of your hand and he muttered low under his breath, his eyes meeting yours, "Would that be such a bad thing if it was?"

"N-Not particularly," You stammered gracelessly as you tried to look away, only for your own weak will to tug your gaze back towards his in a matter of moments. "You could work on your methods though, I suppose..."

Sylvain's eyes flickered down to your lips. It was the briefest of flashes, but it was enough to set your entire being on fire. Now it was _your_ mind that had gone blank, words leaving you despite your desperate attempts to find something to say.

The sudden bang of the classroom door being pushed open and sound of voices from inside flooded your ears and saved you from making a fool of yourself or doing something you'd probably scold yourself for later. Ingrid took one look between the two of you before groaning and shouting over her shoulder, "Felix, pay up. You owe Ashe ten silver."

"W-What?!" You tore away from Sylvain and immediately rushed into the classroom to find Felix reluctantly handing over coin to Ashe who looked surprisingly smug. That was the first time you'd seen such a look on the supposedly innocent boy. "Why are you betting? There's nothing to bet on. _Stop that!"_

You flitted between classmates with a cherry red face trying to figure out who had ultimately started the whole thing. It didn't take long to find out that it had been Hilda and Claude, because _of course_ it was them. Sylvain walked in at a slower pace, chuckling fondly as he watched you, only to wince when Ingrid shot him a warning glare.

Dimitri’s speech had been more or less what everyone expected. Aside from Felix, the royal sentiment seemed to have an effect on the entire class. Even Byleth smiled and promised to be at the reunion in five years. You were trying to recall if you had ever actually seen the professor smile before when you felt a hand brush against yours.

You looked up at Sylvain, who smiled back as he whispered under his breath, “Y’know the whole promise about meeting in five years is nice and all, but you’re gonna need to help me drag Felix all the way back here from the kingdom. He’s the _worst_ travel companion.”

Despite Sylvain’s attempts at being subtle, Felix whipped around and shot him a glare, flipping Sylvain off with a scoff before returning to his conversation with Ingrid. You snickered and nudged Sylvain, who didn’t look guilty in the slightest.

“You see me being around five years from now instead of off goddess knows where?” You asked genuinely as you watched Ashe and Dedue try to act subtle about the fact that Dedue just gave Ashe a corsage. It was cute, but you couldn’t help but wonder, “All of us… we’re so different. Who knows who we’ll be five years from now?”

Sylvain hummed as he watched his friends as well. He knew all too well how much could change in such a short amount of time. It was a bittersweet thing that made his heart ache for more reasons than one. “All we can do is hope and roll with the punches as they come. But I’d like it a lot… if we all kept this promise.”

“I would too,” you agreed softly. Stealing the letter from Garreg Mach off your father’s desk had been one of the best decisions of your life. Sure, the students in the Black Eagles were nice, but the Blue Lions were your _family_.

As overbearingly sentimental as it was, you had grown to love your classmates dearly. Your heart was with the friends you made from the kingdom, no matter where your family's allegiance may lay.

The others had finally begun to filter out of the classroom, heading to the ball and talking amongst themselves as they met up with friends and other classmates.

You had moved to follow as Sylvain joined the battle to get Ingrid out the door when a flash of imperial red caught the corner of your eye the moment you stepped outside.

Edelgard herself was just beside the door, nearly giving you a heart attack as she placed a hand on your arm. "____. A moment, please."

Suddenly your mind was back in the hallway outside the library, just before the Death Knight had taken you. The conversation between Edelgard and Tomas had nearly slipped your mind, but it came back to you in full force as your heart caught in your throat.

Your friends were all laughing and making a ruckus just a few feet away, but you felt trapped. When you made no move to respond, another chill ran down your spine as you noticed Hubert watching from the shadows. You knew the guy had a bit of a thing for dramatics. He liked to come off as threatening and with your wariness, he was definitely succeeding in making you feel on edge.

"Hey! You coming ____?"

Your shoulders dropped and you felt significantly less stiff as Sylvain parted from the group to come get you. You couldn't tell if he stepped in because he noticed someone was off, but you were grateful nonetheless.

If he didn't notice before, he definitely picked up on the tension quickly. Sylvain noticed the slight shake in your hands and immediately went quiet. He looked between you and Edelgard like he was trying to piece together the puzzle that'd determine if he needed to pull you away or not. 

Not wanting to let things get worse, you took his hand, giving it a quick squeeze as you tried to smile reassuringly. "Go on ahead without me. I'll catch up."

Sylvain's eyes searched your own, it was clear there was something wrong and the last thing he wanted to do was leave when you were shaken up. For a moment, you thought he wouldn't agree, but he squeezed your hand back and nodded.

The smile he shot Edelgard was crafted perfectly, the image of carefree ignorance. "Don't keep her too long! I wanted to steal her for a dance or two before the ball ends."

Edelgard nodded, ignoring the scoff from Hubert behind her. "I only need a minute, thank you Sylvain."

Sylvain squeezed your hand one more time and shot you a reassuring smile of his own before he slipped away and left to catch up with the others.

"Shall we?" You asked once he was out of sight, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible.

"Yes, thank you for taking the time," Edelgard said as she began to lead you away from the classrooms.

You could feel Hubert's eyes burning holes into your back as you followed Edelgard around the corner to a more discreet place to talk, but he didn't follow.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" You asked, getting straight to the point once the two of you slipped into the crevice between the dorms and the stairs that led to the sauna.

"I'd like to be upfront with you," Edelgard started, regal and straightforward as ever. "As you know, Monica has reunited with the Black Eagles. I've had quite a bit of time to discuss what happened, but I want to hear things from your point of view."

"Excuse me?" You blinked, not really liking where this was going. You had never spoken to the rediscovered student. Not once. The only thing the two of you had in common was-

"I want to know why you were captured by the Death Knight."

Everything felt of kilter as you forced yourself to keep your breathing even. A flood of memories, both old and fresh washed over you and none of them were pleasant. It took a lot to remind yourself that the metallic stench of blood and rusted iron was nothing more than your imagination. That you were outside, by the commoner dormitories in Garreg Mach. _Safe._

You plastered a tentative look on your face as you shrugged, "I'm sorry, but I really couldn't tell you. I took a pretty bad hit to the head and a lot of it is still fuzzy."

Edelgard's crystalline gaze cut through you like a knife as she searched your face. She knew you were lying, that much was clear. But she had no grounds to accuse you of such reasonably and she knew it.

The empress-to-be simply sighed as she nodded, "I see. It must have been quite a scare. It is a relief you endured through such dangerous times."

You chuckled, faking the amusement with as much ease as you could muster. "Yeah, guess I just got pretty lucky. If it wasn't for my classmates who knows what might have happened."

Edelgard hummed, "Yes, that's true. The Blue Lions are exceptional, especially under the guidance of the professor."

Any relief that Edelgard had allowed you to sweep the topic under the rug immediately was erased as the future empress added with a knowing look, "I'm glad despite the Clarinne family allegiance to the empire, your decision to join the kingdom's class panned in your favor."

The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife as you struggled to find the words to say. You couldn't exactly ask how or _why_ Edelgard knew what you did. Even as nobles, your family had never had any direct interaction with the Hresvelg lineage. So even if Edelgard or Hubert had put two and two together, it didn't make sense as to _why_ it matter to them.

"But I digress," Edelgard waved off the comment. "I've asked what I needed to and I promised not to keep you long."

When Edelgard granted you the small mercy of not forcing you to answer you felt far more relieved than you cared to admit.

"I'm sorry if I couldn't be more helpful," You replied robotically, mind still reeling from so many questions left unanswered.

"It's alright," Edelgard sighed. "But should you… remember something, just know it would be greatly beneficial. I hope you'll come to me if that time comes."

_Greatly beneficial to what?_ You wondered, adding the question to the list of mysteries for the night.

"I'll do what I can," You nodded cautiously.

Once Edelgard thanked and dismissed you, you made a beeline for the ball, needing to get away from the weirdness of what just happened as quickly as possible.

By the time you reached the large doorway, you were out of breath from awkwardly running to the best of your ability in heels.

Right now, all you wanted to do was push the thoughts of the Death Knight, your past with Zera, Edelgard, _all of it_, as far back in your mind as you could. You scanned the crowd for a certain redhead, only for another to spot you first.

"____!" Annette called, making her way towards you with Mercedes and a plate of tiny cakes in tow. "There you are! Have you seen Ingrid? We lost her when we ran into the Black Eagles."

Before you could answer, Mercedes sighed and cut in.

"I'm telling you Annie, she _must _be with Petra and Dorothea by now. We worked so hard on that plan of Hilda's." Mercedes chided her best friend. "I'm sure they're off doing their own thing just like we all hoped."

"Speaking of doing their own things," You glanced at Annette with a sly grin. "Have you had the chance to talk to Felix since Hilda's _other_ brilliant plan?"

Annette squeaked, nearly choking on her cake as her face bloomed into a brilliant shade of red. "M-Maybe! _I mean_—I don't know what you're talking about."

"Suuure," You teased, already feeling slightly better at the lightheartedness of something as simple as watching a friend in love turn redder than a Morfis plum.

But nothing could compare to the way all tension melted away as the one voice you needed to hear the most joined the conversation.

"Hey, there you are." Sylvain said as he propped his elbow on your shoulder. "Sorry ladies, mind if I take ____ off your hands for a bit?"

"Not at all," Mercedes giggled behind her hand. "Annette was just about to make a trip to the training grounds while I go and try out some more of the sweets."

"Mercie!!!"

You and Sylvain laughed before he extended an arm, which you took as he led you away from the banter between a distressed Annette and very pleased Mercedes.

It wasn't until the two of you were out of earshot from your friends that he asked, "So, is everything okay?"

"Yeah," You sighed, remembering the unpleasant conversation from earlier. "Everything's fine. Sorry for taking so long. I didn't mean to worry you or anything."

"You're good, don't worry about it." Sylvain shrugged as the two of you stepped off to the side. 

"Just glad you're here now. I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to steal you for a dance or two." Sylvain rubbed at the back of his neck, the slightest flush on his cheeks as he quickly added, "If you wanted to, that is."

Heat rushed to your cheeks as well, but you found yourself smiling as you nodded and held out your hand. "Of course."

It was easy enough to let Sylvain take the lead, the two of you slipping in with the dozens of students already dancing on the floor with ease.

"So," Sylvain started as he placed a hand on your back and led you into the dance. "What did Edelgard want?"

"She just had some questions," You sighed, hesitating a moment before speaking quietly. "About the whole... Death Knight thing." 

Sylvain tensed, his hand tightening on yours for a brief moment as unpleasant memories flashed through his mind. "I see…"

"Sorry," You bit your lip. "Not exactly party conversation."

"No, it's fine. I asked." Sylvain quickly reassured you. "Besides, I'm the only one that knows the… _backstory_ regarding that whole thing, yeah? I'm always here to listen."

You smiled softly, leaning into his touch as he pulled you a bit closer than the dance deemed necessary. "Thank you, Sylvain. I appreciate it—_you_ a lot."

When Sylvain didn't say anything in response, you quickly backpedaled, face flushing as you realized you probably crossed a line and fucked things up.

"I-I mean. Fuck, sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Hey, hey, hey. It's fine," Sylvain cut your spiral off once he regained himself. His mind had all but shut down. How you managed to just say things like that, things he never realized he needed to hear, like you just _knew_, he'd never fully grasp.

"I appreciate you too," He admitted self-consciously, the unfamiliar weight of the words leaving him. New, but far from unpleasant.

"Yeah?" You asked, biting your lip as you dared to glance up at him.

"Yeah." He smiled warmly at you, your heart now racing for completely dancing-unrelated reasons entirely. 

Despite the nearly painful beating in your chest and the way the room felt so much warmer, you relaxed into the steps of the dance with ease as you just let yourself enjoy the moment of peace. Sylvain seemed to share the sentiment, his thumb brushing over your knuckles as he pulled you a bit closer and hummed quietly under his breath.

Just as the music lulled into a new piece, a hand suddenly shot between the two of you, landing on Sylvain's arm and ending the moment rather abruptly. Startled, you jerked back a bit as you registered the random girl that had appeared out of nowhere.

"Mind if I cut in?" She asked all too cheerfully, considering the contrast between her bright smile and spiteful eyes trained on you. 

"Actually, I do," You frowned, no longer dancing with Sylvain, but still holding your ground.

The girl's smile became more strained, her hand remaining firm on Sylvain as she tried again. "Please, you can't hog him all night."

"Actually she can," Sylvain cut in, sighing as he pulled his arm out from the girl's grasp. "I rejected you and all the others that tried earlier because I have a date tonight. A real one. I thought I made myself pretty clear."

Your eyes widened comically in sync with the random girl's. This was news to you, but you weren't complaining.

However, she was. "Seriously Sylvain? Come on now, you don't have to lie for her sake. It's been nearly a year, practically everyone knows how it goes with you. If she's too stupid to know that you'll be dating another girl in a week then that's her—"

Sylvain took a step forward, cutting her off with a cold anger you'd never seen before as he finally snapped. "Shut. Up. You don't know anything. None of you _ever_ have, so don't talk about her that way."

The girl scoffed and marched off. It was only as you watched her go that you realized the three of you had made a scene, in the middle of the dancefloor no less.

People were beginning to whisper, more of that damned onlooker bullshit. Even when you made eye contact with Hilda across the floor and she mouthed _"Are you okay?" _you felt a mix of frustration and the need to run and hide building in your chest.

Apparently the feeling was mutual, because just as you were about to make a run for it, Sylvain made the first move.

"Come on," He said as he took your hand and led you off the dance floor without waiting for an answer.

You felt the eyes on your back as the two of you left the hall altogether, but you were more focused on Sylvain's hand around your wrist– firm, but gentle.

When he turned a corner and made a beeline for the Goddess Tower, your face immediately flushed. It wasn't until he finally let go of you to dig a key out of his pocket once you stood outside the tower that you managed to find your voice again, not that you put it to very good use.

"You have a key to the Goddess Tower?" You asked, genuinely surprised as the door swung open after a metallic click.

"Yeah, got it from a deal made with a drunk knight who apparently had a spare from watch duty." 

Sylvain glanced at you with a smirk as he added with a twirl of the key in his hand. "Only took a couple drunken rounds of chess and a hungover man's horrible memory to keep this little keepsake from confiscation."

Once he relocked the door from the inside, he lit a small fire spell and led you up the stairs to where the large open windows gave way to an unobstructed view of Fòdlan from the monastery cliffside.

You felt a million times better already as you kicked off your heels, rubbing at your aching feet for a moment before running over to the window and grinning as the crisp air swept over your face.

Sylvain chuckled under his breath as he watched you melt against the railing like it was your saving grace from the exhaustion of the ball as he walked up and stood beside you, leaning on the railing with crossed arms.

A comfortable silence fell between the two of you. For a while you both just looked over the land that stretched off far into the distant mountains, until Sylvain spoke quietly. "I'm _so_ sorry for what happened earlier. That was just…"

"Bullshit?" You suggested with a mildly amused huff.

Sylvain laughed, shaking his head before running a hand over his face. "Yeah, pretty much."

"I have to admit, I was not loving the attention… or the insults, but you defended the wrong person back there," You shrugged. "Just saying."

"Right, my mistake," Sylvain rolled his eyes. "Clearly I should have been standing up for… Ma… Maria? Meredith? _Fuck_, I'm bad at this." He laughed.

You giggled, "Goddess you really are. Maybe that's a sign you should consider retirement. Playboy doesn't seem to suit you as well as you once thought."

"No," Sylvain hummed, looking absently at the night sky. "it really doesn't."

He knew what you had really meant and he appreciated it. Even if he deflected it with a joke, the sentiment was far from lost on him. He didn't regret defending you though. In fact, he'd do it a hundred times more if that meant…

"____?"

You blinked, pushing yourself off the railing as you heard his tone change into something that reminded you of the day in the infirmary. "Yeah?"

When you looked up at him, his hand brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. Your breath caught from the look that held you captive as he asked oh so carefully.

"Can I kiss you?"

You let out a breathy laugh, shaking your head as your hands cupped the sides of his face. "You should already know the answer to that by now."

Sylvain's lips on yours felt like coming home. The way he pulled you close, fingers tangled in your hair as he cupped the back of your head. The brush of his lips against yours as he deepened the kiss, tilting his head ever so slightly as his other hand rested on the small of your back. Even the way he pressed his forehead against yours when the kiss ended. All of it was enough to make your heart race.

When you laughed under your breath this time, he did as well, the two of you just holding onto each other as you let the quiet night pass by.

"I don't want to be another one of the countless meaningless girls Sylvain." You finally voiced softly, "I can't do that."

Sylvain inhaled sharply and pulled you closer. "I promise, you're anything but that ____. I want to prove that to you, if you'll give me the chance."

You took a shaky breath and nodded as he pulled back enough to look you in the eye. "Okay…"

"I know I already fucked up and I don't deserve you in any way but—Wait… Okay?"

You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down into a kiss, pressing your lips against his gently before pulling away with flushed cheeks. "One chance. That's all you get skirt-chaser."

Sylvain laughed, pressing another kiss to your lips and then to your forehead. "I won't fuck this up ____. I promise."

Your face flushed as you dipped your head in an attempt to hide the sight. "You know how significant people say promises at the Goddess Tower are, right?"

"Yes," Sylvain said as he tilted your face up gently. "And I'd take you to a thousand towers and make the same promise to show how much I meant it if I had to."

"That might be a bit much," You laughed, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. "How about we start with a hundred and see where we'll go from there?"

Sylvain snorted, shaking his head as he pressed another kiss to your lips, already addicted to the way you melted perfectly against him.

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so luckily its a pretty good stopping point, but this series is officially on hiatus.


End file.
